THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

Since quitting my job last Thursday, I've been spending AT LEAST 2 hours a day applying to jobs. I have yet to get one.

When everywhere you apply to doesn't want you, what do you do? Do you let the constant rejection you've been facing cause you to re-examine your life, to really look inside yourself and honestly consider your best and worst qualities so as to determine what you need to change about yourself to become more desirable to potential employers? NO! Instead of re-inventing yourself to be a perfect fit for a job, invent a job that's a perfect fit for you. You're not being lazy or unrealistic. You're being an entrepreneur.

So what do you like? What are you good at? The crazier the job sounds, the better. The more ridiculous it sounds, the less likely it is that other people will be able to do it. I'm going to give you a few examples of perfect jobs for ME along with the reasoning behind them. Use these examples as a template to come up with the perfect job for you.

JOB: Creator/Star of a reality-show version of Scooby Doo

WHY: You don't need a good idea to create a reality show. You just need an idea original enough to attract viewers but familiar enough that producers won't think investing in it is risky. Scooby Doo is a familiar brand, and as of yet, there are no shows about a group of hippies and a dog driving around in a van, exploring abandoned amusement parks (although Ghost Hunters is kind of similar). I'd be a perfect real-life version of Shaggy. I'm great with dogs, I look good in bell bottoms, and I'd probably spend way more time looking for sandwiches than trying to solve mysteries. ZOINKS!

JOB: James Franco Double

WHY: James Franco is famous for doing billions of things at once. If he keeps going at the rate he has been, he's going to need the ability to be in two places at the same time. Until he invents cloning, this is an impossibility. He needs another version of himself. I realize that I look nothing like James Franco, but that doesn't matter. At this point, the man is a legend- people will believe any weird thing you say about him. I'll just tell people that The Franco appears in different forms to different people- To some, he takes the appearance of a ruggedly handsome man. To others, he appears in the form of a goofy-looking girl. Sure, it's crazy... CRAZY LIKE A FRANCO.

JOB: Substitute Earl for Odd Future

WHY: OFWGKTA has had a vacancy ever since Earl Sweatshirt's mom grounded him and told him he couldn't be in the band anymore (or something). Not only am I a phenomenal rapper, I'm too old for my mom to tell me who I can and can't hang out with or which controversial rap groups I can and can't be a part of. Admittedly, Earl uses a lot of words that I wouldn't be comfortable saying, but I could just use creative substitutes. For example, instead of saying "Fuck that faggot shit, my niggers on that savage shit",  I would say "Fuck that ferret shit, my tigers on that savage shit". Not only are the lyrics a little nicer, but now people who don't like ferrets will be more inclined to listen to Odd Future.

JOB: Traveling Bard

WHY: Hipsters have a bizarre tendency to be nostalgic for things they've never actually experienced. This is why they listen to vinyl records, sport 19th century facial hair, and bitch about how New York isn't as edgy and dangerous as it used to be. Hipsters also have a tendency to spend their money on stupid outdated shit, like fanny packs or beepers that can be worn ironically. It stands to reason that pretentious posers would shell out some serious cash to experience the most ancient form of storytelling (if only so that they could bring it up to make somebody feel guilty about buying a Kindle or something). I would make a great traveling bard because I'm a good storyteller and because I'm homeless.

JOB: Entrepreneurial Entrepreneur

WHY: All of these jobs ideas are brilliant. Clearly, I have a knack for this. If you need someone to help you come up with a unique business venture for yourself, I'll do it for you. You don't have to pay me up front, but you will have to give me 15% of every million you make. And if you follow the career path I set out for you, you WILL become a multimillionaire, much like I will as soon as Scooby Doo but for Realsies debuts on the Travel Channel.

ADRIENNE GETS A JOB INTERVIEW. SHIT GETS WEIRD.

If you read yesterday's post, you'll know that I had two job interviews. If you've been following this blog for awhile, you'll know that nothing ever goes normally for me. Ever. So, it should come as no surprise to you that in one of those interviews, shit got weird. Here, in three parts, is that story.

The interview was for a job as a front desk receptionist at a dentist's office. Not exactly a dream job, but after my last work experience, all I wanted was to get a quiet desk job where nobody would call me names. I straightened my hair. I put on a classy black dress and a pair of heels (my only shoes without any holes in them). Before leaving, I looked at myself in the mirror, and was pretty satisfied with what I saw. Nobody would ever guess that I was (technically) a homeless person! Surely this job was mine for the taking!

PART ONE: THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T BUY $15 HEELS

My optimism rapidly began to fade about a block later, as I was walking to the train station. I'm currently staying in Queens, and as any woman who's ever been there knows, when you wear ANYTHING that makes you look even the littlest bit nice, at least half of the men you come in contact with on the street will feel the need to express their appreciation. "WOW!" yelled a creepy middle aged man, as I struggled to walk in my heels. I began to sweat, and could feel my hair starting to frizz. "BEAUTIFUL!" shouted another man. I had barely been walking for 5 minutes, and my feet were screaming at me.  I tripped in a crack on the sidewalk and almost fell out of my shoes. At that exact moment a man yelled "NICE SHOES". I was being heckled. Had my wits been about me, I would have told him to go fuck himself, but I was too busy focusing on maneuvering down the street to form words. After what felt like an eternity, I reached the train station. One of my heels got stuck on the stairs. My foot slid out, and the shoe went tumbling down.

If my life were a romantic comedy movie, Zac Efron would have been at the bottom of the stairs. He would have been charmed by my wacky clumsiness and would have picked up the shoe and slid it back onto my foot, Cinderella-style. But my life is not a romantic comedy. It is a sick joke. So, using every ounce of concentration I had, I grabbed onto the railing and used my foot that still had a shoe on it to hop down the stairs. Five minutes and four stairs later, a 14 year old Asian boy saw what was happening, and handed me my shoe. "Thanks!" I said warmly. "These shoes are the worst!" Embarrassed for the both of us, the Asian kid said "Uh. Sure. No problem." and got away from me as quickly as possible.

By the time I got to the train, my shoes were dirty, my hair was a frizzy mess, and I was in a terrible mood.

PART TWO: THAT'S WHY YOU ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

I have no sense of direction. I once spent 20 minutes frantically searching for the exit of a Forever 21 store- getting lost is nothing new to me. To make sure I got to the interview on time, I not only looked up the address they gave me on google maps, I printed out the directions. And a map. And I made sure to get to the general area 45 minutes before the interview so I would have more than enough time to find the building.

The address I had written down after talking to the interviewer on the phone was 12 E 21st street. E 21st street was only 3 blocks away from where the train dropped me off. Pretty close, right? Not when you're wearing a pair of cheap heels that feel like they were designed by Jigsaw. I hobbled down the street as quickly as I could (which was something like a half mile an hour). I saw a 10 E 21st street, but not a 12. I walked into 10 E 21st street to ask the man at the front desk where 12 was. He gave me a strange look. "That building doesn't exist." It was clear to me at that moment that one of two things was true: either I had gotten the wrong address, or my job interview was going to be conducted by wizards. I called my interviewer, explaining that I was lost. "Where are you?" she asked. "I'm pretty close. I'm at 10 E 21st street, I just can't find 12." It turned out I didn't have the building number wrong. I had the street number wrong. I was off by around 20 blocks.

The interview was in 30 minutes. There was no way I could afford a cab, so  I trudged back to the train station (which took me 20 minutes, even though it was only 3 blocks away). After researching directions, printing out a map, and giving myself 45 minutes to be lost, I got to the interview 10 minutes late.

PART THREE: SHIT GETS WEIRD

I burst into the door, out of breath. My hair was frizzier, my shoes were dirtier, and I suspected that if anyone in the room were told I was (technically) homeless, they would have had no trouble believing it. I was asked to sign in, and write down the time that I arrived. Two other girls had signed in before me. One was an impressive 34 minutes early, the other a respectable 9. I was starting to feel like this job might not be mine for the taking.

The woman conducting the interview was very nice. She had been waiting for me to get there, because she wanted to address us as a group before talking to us one on one. I'm no expert, but I would guess that forcing the boss to do something 11 minutes behind schedule is not an excellent way to make a first impression. She told us that the job would be pretty standard. We'd have to "help out at the front desk, help out with online marketing, and help out with a project." She didn't elaborate on what the project was, which struck me as a little odd. She then told us she'd interview us in the order we came.

The first girl went. 10 minutes later, her interview was over, and she left. The next girl went. Her interview was also 10 minutes. Then it was my turn. The interview was actually going pretty well. She told me she liked me, that she wanted me to fill out a questionnaire, and that it would take about 20 minutes. I'm in! I thought. She didn't have anyone else fill out a questionnaire! 

There were 200 multiple choice personality questions (the questions were like "Are you easily flustered?" and the options you had were Yes, Not Really, and No). Having recently completed an online job application for Starbucks which also had several personality based questions, I wasn't too thrown off by this. Then I got to question 27. "Do you ever sing or whistle, just for the fun of it?" Oh no. I've definitely seen that question somewhere before. And then it hit me. I saw it on South Park. In the Scientology episode, that was one of the questions the scientologists asked Stan as a part of his personality evaluation test. Sure enough, when I looked at the bottom of the page, it said in tiny print "L. Ron Hubbard. Copywright 2001".

I WASN'T TAKING A TEST TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT I WOULD MAKE A GOOD EMPLOYEE. I WAS TAKING A TEST TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT I WOULD MAKE A GOOD SCIENTOLOGIST.

If I were a reasonable person, I would have left right then, or maybe asked someone flat-out why I had to fill out a survey used to decide whether or not someone can be a part of a fake religion. But I am not a reasonable person. I filled out the rest of that survey for two reasons.

1. Maybe it really was a part of the job interview. Maybe she's a dentist for Scientologists. Maybe if I get the job I can meet Will Smith! (I'll admit this is probably not the case)
2. Straight-up curiosity. This situation is just too strange for me to walk away from. I want to see it through to the end. I want to know what "the project" is.

I handed her the papers. She told me she'd get back to me next week.

After leaving the dentist/top-secret scientology recruiting center, I was miserable. Every step I took felt like a knife going through my feet. My hair almost looked like I had crimped it. I decided to go to an H&M to buy the cheapest pair of flats I could find.

The flats helped out a little, but the damage to my feet was done. I stumbled down the street, wincing with every step. A man stopped me on the corner. He was one of those guys that sells discount salon packages on the street. He began telling me about how for $69 I could get a haircut/blow dry/manicure and several free glasses of champagne, when I stopped him. "Listen, " I said, "I would love to fix my hair. I really would. But I have no money. I'm sorry." I began to walk away. "Wait!" he said. He told me he wanted to buy me dinner and asked for my phone number.

Normally I don't give out my phone number to random people on the street, especially when they're wearing bow ties (yup, he was wearing a bow tie). But at that point, it was clear to me that my job hunt was far from over, and it would have been fiscally irresponsible to turn down a free meal.

PUMP UP THE JAMZ

Good news! I've successfully turned my resume into something that tricks employers into thinking I have something to offer. As a result, I've landed 2 (count 'em, 2!) job interviews for the day.

Even for competent workers, job interviews can be pretty stressful. You have a very short amount of time to convince a stranger that you're incredible. This starts with you. You need to believe that you are amazing. Remember that scene in Space Jam where Michael Jordan tells the looney toons that he's giving them some sort of talent juice to make them good at basketball, but it's really just water? It turned out the toons already HAD the talent they needed to beat the alien basketball team (the Monstars)... they just needed to believe in themselves, and Michael's little trick gave them the confidence they needed.

You're not a cartoon. You don't have the time or the resources to kidnap Michael Jordan. Where do you get YOUR confidence?

MUSIC. Do you really think Michael Jordan could have made that game-winning slam dunk if "I Believe I Can Fly" wasn't playing in the background? You need your own inspirational music. Here are 5 songs guaranteed to give you the confidence needed to touch the sky.

1. Monster by Kanye West- A man who refers to himself as the "best living or dead hands-down" knows a thing or two about confidence. Your interviewer doesn't need to know that you've spent the past few weeks in your boxer shorts eating poptarts and keeping up with Kardashians. They need to know that you're a mothafuckin monstah.

2. Bootylicious by Destiny's Child- Worried about being under-qualified for a job? After listening to this song, the only thing you'll worry about is being TOO qualified. Can the company handle you, or are your vibes to vibe-alicious for them? You could also impress potential employers with this power move: Show up to the interview 15 minutes late. Explain to your interviewer that you didn't think they were ready for your jelly. POW POW POW POW!

3. The Pokemon Theme Song- Why? Because you want to be the very best. Like no one ever was. Also this song has great (poorly translated from Japanese) messages, as displayed in these lyrics: Every challenge along the way/ with courage I will face/ I will battle everyday/ To claim my rightful place! The interviewer will have no choice but to choose you.

4. Move Bitch by Ludacris- You're on the fast-track to corporate success. Anybody doing the speed limit had better GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR WAY or they'll GET RAN THE FUCK OVER.

5. A Milli by Lil Wayne- Mothafucka, you're ill. Also, if the interviewer asks you if you have any special skills, steal this lyric of Weezy's: "Bitch, I could turn a crack rock into a mountain. DARE ME."


Heed my advice. Download these songs. Prepare to be a young money millionaire.

TUESDAY? MORE LIKE HAIKUSDAY!

Many moons ago, I promised that if I got 10 followers I would write all of them haikus.

They say good things come to those who wait. I don't know if that's true. But I DO know that terrible poetry is about to come to my 10 patient followers.

Hey LAURA GRIFFITH!
Your profile pic's a poodle
which I think is neat!

Hello, CHRISSY KINCH!
I don't actually know you.
But thanks for reading!

What up NIQUELLE ORR?
I haven't seen you in months.
We should totes hang out.

COLLEEN MCCARTHY
Sometimes you say words funny
'cause you're from Boston.

KIMBERLY GRIFFITH
Stop teachin at the pre-school.
Those kids are mad wack!

Hey there, JOANNA
Here are seven syllables
And here are five more!

KAYLA QUINN? HOLLA!
I miss the Kardashians.
Let's fix the TV!

ABIGAIL CORNELL?
Aw gross, I hate that loser.
EL OH EL JAY KAY!

Yo! CARA FRIEDMAN?
More like Cara Fried- DA-MAN
Because you da man!

Sup, AMY KATTAN?
For tweeting about this blog
you get 2 HAIKUS!

So AMY KATTAN
Enjoy this bonus haiku!
Everyone's jealous.

Oh, BARBARA GOSSIN?
Your request for a haiku has been DENIED.
Ya gotta be a follower. Butthead.

Thanks guys, for being followers!
And you're welcome for the haikus.

RAFFLE

My Facebook Fan page is like a slutty girl in high school... It just wants to be liked.

That is why I'm having a raffle.

NEXT SUNDAY, A RAFFLE IS GOING TO TAKE PLACE. THE WINNER GETS A FUCKING PRIZE. WHAT IS THE PRIZE, YOU ASK? IT'S A SURPRISE, OKAY?! BUT IT WILL BE AWESOME, AND THE ONLY WAY TO BE ELIGIBLE TO WIN IS TO BE A FACEBOOK FAN.

LINK'S RIGHT HERE, PUNKS.

http://www.facebook.com/GrowUpGetAJob

And no, this won't be like the haikus, which are a month and a half overdue. THIS SHIT IS REAL

CASE OF THE MONDAYS: NAPS

When you're unemployed, time has no meaning. You have nothing to do and nowhere to be. People with jobs hate Mondays because they kick off the work week, requiring them to be at a specific place at a specific time ready to do a specific thing. People without jobs hate Mondays because they serve as a reminder of what their lives were like when they were functioning members of society. This is why once a week I will explore one of the benefits of unemployment in a segment called "Case of the Mondays".

What time did you go to bed last night? I fell asleep at around 3. Why did I do this? There are 3 reasons:

1. Because there was a My Strange Addiction marathon on TLC
2. Because I have a crippling fear of the mice that live in the apartment I'm staying in, making me afraid to close my eyes (and afraid to open them. Like that girl in the Blair Witch Project).
3. BECAUSE I COULD

When you have no demands on your time, it doesn't matter how much sleep you got last night. Every hour of the day has the potential to be nap o'clock. People with careers spend the hours of 9-5 working. To the unemployed, that's just an 8 hour window of possible nap times. And when it's not nap o'clock? It's snack o'clock.

The unemployed may not have careers. They may not have money.  They may not have hope. But they DO have the freedom to curl up on the couch with a box of Sea Creature Cheese Crackers* and pass out whenever they please. And I, for one, wouldn't trade that freedom for anything in the world**.

* like Goldfish, but for poor people
**except for  a career, money, hope, or an actual reason to be awake during the day.

COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR BROKEN DREAMS: DOWNSIZING

Remember when you left for college? You had big dreams! And now, well... you've hardly set the world on fire. Face it kid: your dreams were stupid. But you'll be ok. Once a week, I'll help you numb the slow-burning pain of failure in a segment called "Coming to Terms with Your Broken Dreams".

Maybe your boss is a dick. Maybe you can't even find a job and are poverty-stricken. Maybe the thought of part-time lady-puncher/full-time Sisqo-lookalike Chris Brown getting what you get in 10 years in 2 days fills you with rage. The point is, sometimes reality can be a real downer. Sometimes, you might feel like all you do is lose lose lose, no matter what. Sometimes, you just need a win.

I know what you're thinking. But I'm such a loser! Can I really turn my whole life around? No, Assface. You're a loser. That will never change. Fortunately, you can change your definition of winning! You need to take your goals and downsize them, transforming them into something that even a schmuck like you can achieve. Allow me to show you what I mean...

THE GOAL: Get a job.
DOWNSIZE IT TO: Apply for a job.
WHY: Times is tough. Even qualified people are having a hard time finding work. If getting a job is your only objective, the rejection is going to sting. Lie to yourself. Tell yourself it's about the journey. Say, "Well, at least I applied. Maybe something else will open up!". If your goal is to apply for a job, once you send out your resume, you've succeeded! You've won! And it will hurt much less in the highly likely event that they hire somebody else.

THE GOAL: Make something of your life.
DOWNSIZE IT TO: Do something with your day.
WHY: You want it all: fame, fortune, a supermodel spouse, the ability to afford cereal that doesn't come in a bag... All of these things are nice, and they are all out of your reach. So put your effort into something you can actually do. You can't make a million dollars today, but you CAN do a load of laundry. Use fabric softener. Throw in a dryer sheet or two. You may not be on the cover of Forbes magazine, but you just did the shit out of your laundry! Celebrate with a bowl of Honey Nut Scooters.

Do you understand? To the outside world, your life might not look much different, but you'll know in your heart that you are a champion.

HOW TO STAY COOL

Rich people beat the heat in a myriad of ways: traveling to exotic beaches, lounging poolside at a country club, or cranking up the AC in their mansions, occasionally looking out a window to chuckle at the overheated plebeians hired to tend to their lawns. Poor people cannot afford such luxuries. Here are some cheap and/or free ways a broke ass like yourself can stay cool.

BAG O' ICE- For a mere $2, you can buy a 10 pound bag of ice. I realize that eating cups of ice all day doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun, but it is a cost effective way of keeping cool. Plus it's a zero calorie way to stay hydrated, which is good news considering you've probably been spending your day sitting on your ass, sweating like a Kardashian in church.

GO SOMEPLACE AIR CONDITIONED. LOITER.- Museums and movie theaters are air conditioned, but tickets are usually $10 or more. A better idea is to go into a store and walk around, pretending to be looking for something. You can even pick up something small and pretend that you're planning on buying it as you meander down the aisles, enjoying the AC (just be sure to put it back before you leave- I'm not sure if jail is air conditioned). New York residents can just grab a book, head to the nearest subway station, and ride the air conditioned train all day long.

TAKE A COLD SHOWER- Not only because it will cool you down, but because you actually smell terrible right now.

DO NOT GO TO A PUBLIC POOL- You know who goes to public pools? Children, and irritable parents/babysitters who can't wait for summer vacation to end so they won't have to spend every waking minute trying to keep the little assholes entertained. Public pools are only fun for children, who view them as a big toilet that you can also play Marco Polo in.

DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE HEAT- We all know it's fucking hot outside. Your bitching is only making it worse. Stop acting like a whiny version of Al Roker, and chew on your damn ice.

 

GREW UP! GOT A JOB! SCREWED UP! QUIT A JOB!

Loyal readers will remember a few months ago when I posted a list of 5 jobs that were more depressing than being unemployed. Let me tell you, in painfully drawn out detail, the story of another job worse than unemployment.

I arrived in New York last Thursday night. The next morning, I woke up at around 7 am in a panic, thinking "holyshitIdon'thaveajob, holyshitIdon'thaveanymoney, whatamIgoingtodo, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuuuuuuuuuuuck". So I put on my pair of shoes with the fewest amount of holes in them, and decided to try my luck at the local businesses, asking if they were hiring. I scored a full-time position as a cashier at an Italian bakery. It was only the second place I went into. Sure, it would only pay $8 an hour, but it was better than nothing, right? The manager told me I could start training the next morning at 7. I was so relieved. If I were wearing a hat, I would have thrown it into the air Mary Tyler Moore style. I was going to make it after all!

Only I wasn't. I arrived bright and early on Saturday. The woman working was not expecting me. She was one of the managers, and was unaware that the other manager had hired me. To say she was not pleased to see me would be an understatement. Immediately she started yelling "He hired another damn 21 year old! I wouldn't have hired you! I don't want to waste my time! Kids your age go out at night and they don't get up in the morning! They don't want to work! Are you here to work?!" I stared at her for a minute. "Um. Yes?" "Yeah, sure, that's what they all say." She continued to yell at me about how 21 year olds were irresponsible and how they stayed out all night. I was offended because I did in fact stay out until 4 am the night before, but I got my ass out of bed and I got to work on time. I hadn't even started working yet, and already I was a bad employee. She eventually stopped yelling. We stared at each other for about a minute before she snapped "Well if you're gonna work, put on an apron. If you're gonna waste my time, leave now." I thought about leaving, but realized I had no money, and decided to try to win her over with my dynamite work ethic and outta sight customer service skillz. By the end of the day, she had sort of warmed up to me. I was glad I had stuck out the day, figuring that things would only get better.

Only they didn't. I stopped working with her, and started working with her brother, the manager that hired me. The first thing he said to me: "that apron you're wearing looks fucking retarded". Unbeknownst to me, nobody ever wears a work apron there. I laughed it off, saying "Please. I look great", but I took the apron off the first chance I got. He told me to make him a coffee "Dark. 2 Splendas." So I made it and handed it to him. "I don't need a fucking lid on it, I'm going to drink it now." So I took the lid off. He took a sip. "It's really hot." I asked him if he wanted me to put a sleeve around it. "No, I want to be able to fucking drink it! Dump out some of the coffee and put more milk in it." I don't know how many of my readers speak coffee, but when somebody asks for DARK coffee, that means they don't want a lot of milk in it. So I was annoyed that he was yelling at me for following his directions. But I pressed on, figuring that if I stayed positive, he'd have no choice but to respond positively to my winning attitude.

Only he didn't. Two days later he told me I could start preparing and serving food to customers (deli food, like toasted bagels and rolls. Sandwiches were still too advanced for me). The toaster was located on a shelf about a foot over my head, so I couldn't see where the slots were. He was watching me try to put bagel slices in it, and shouted "Hurry up! You're going too slow!" I crammed the bagel slices in "You'd better not burn those!" But as the day progressed, I felt I was starting to get the hang of it. Only I wasn't. One woman gave back a bagel that I had prepared for her, saying I hadn't put enough cream cheese on it. The manager ran over, grabbed the bagel, opened it, turned to me with a look of horrified disbelief, and said "What is this? This is horrible. Understand? Horrible." I figured I just wouldn't make that  mistake again and everything would be fine.

Only it wouldn't be. The next day, I was supposed to start at 7 am. He called me at 6 "I need you to come in now." I said I'd head right over, and got there at around 6:30. "Good morning!" I said cheerfully as I strolled in. "Customers!" he shouted. There was one customer.  She wanted a roll, toasted with butter. I began slicing the roll. "Make sure you put a lot of butter on it, ok? Not like yesterday." "No problem!" I said. I was going to make him proud of me, dammit! My can-do spirit would eventually make him hate me less! As I was spreading butter on the roll, I heard "WHAT THE FUCK?!" I looked over to see the manager barreling over to me. "I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FUCKING RETARDED. I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FUCKING RETARDED! THIS IS TOO MUCH BUTTER!! WOULD YOU EAT THIS?!" With those words, my can-do spirit was officially broken. Defeated, I mumbled "No..." as he ripped the roll from my hands and scraped a layer of butter off the roll. I debated leaving right then, figuring that 6:40 in the morning was way too early for such language. I decided to soldier on, but things did not improve. At one point in the day, three customers ordered sandwiches. I am not qualified to make sandwiches, but the manager specifically told me he never wanted to see me standing still. The problem was, I had just wiped down the counters, made more coffee, and swept the floor. I didn't know what else to do. Panic-stricken, I looked to the left, accidentally making eye contact with him. "DON'T STAND THERE LOOKING STUPID!" he yelled. "COME HERE, BRING ME THE HAM!" so I sprinted over to the meats. I wasn't positive which one was the ham, and was flooded with terror. "shitshitshitshitshit" I thought, until remembering that I had watched him make a ham and cheese sandwich the day before. Confident that I had chosen the correct meat, I carried it over to him, beaming with triumph. "WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS? I NEED IT SLICED." "But... but I haven't been taught how to use the meat slicer!" He just sort of grumbled as he snapped the ham from my hands. Eventually, he left for the day, so I got to work with a kid around my age. My co-worker had been there for a few months. He asked me how I liked it. "It's ok... I'm pretty sure [the manager] hates me though." "I'm sure he doesn't hate you." "Well I mean... he called me a fucking retard this morning, so..." the kid blinked at me. "Really? Wow. What a tool. I mean, he's cursed me out a few times, but I'm a guy. And I'm not new. What did you do?" "I put too much butter on a roll." I didn't realize it fully until I said it out loud how ridiculous it was that I was letting myself be treated this way for $8 an hour.

Later that day, the woman manager came in. I was actually happy to see her at first. Then she said "The money isn't right. Why aren't we getting more customers?" And instead of blaming it on the fact that nobody wants to eat Italian deli foods or drink cappucinos in 100 degree weather, she blamed it on me. She told me that she worried I was taking too long to make things, and that the word was spreading that the bakery took too long to get people their food. I was stunned. I hadn't even been working there for a week. I'd only been preparing food for two days. I CAME IN EARLY, ONLY TO BE CALLED "FUCKING RETARDED" AT 6:40 IN THE MORNING FOR PUTTING TOO MUCH BUTTER ON A ROLL. I started to shake, I was so angry. "I need you to come in tomorrow at 6. [The other manager] needs someone to be there while he makes the food, and no one else can come in." I smiled. "I'll be there." I said. I turned and left.

I woke up this morning at 9 am to 14 missed phone calls. It must have been hard for him to prepare the food for the day and serve the customers all alone. There must have been quite a long line. I wonder how many customers they lost. I'm sure they weren't surprised. That's to be expected of an irresponsible 21 year old.

I BET YA MISSED MY "RETARDED" ASS THIS MORNING MOTHAFUCKA!

But yeah. Now I'm back at square one. I need a fucking job.

GUESS WHO'S BACK

Yes friends, it's been awhile. I know what you're thinking: Is Adrienne alive? If so, where has she been? What has she been up to? Where the fuck is that personalized haiku she promised to write me over a month ago? Allow me to answer your questions here:

1. As far as I know, I'm alive. Unless I'm in a Bruce Willis/Sixth Sense situation. If I were dead you guys would tell me, right? UNLESS WE'RE ALL DEAD...

2. I've been wallowing in my own despair. Duh.

3. I've been up to all sorts of things. I spent much of the past few weeks doing odd jobs for my parents, including, but not limited to, preparing the outside of my house to be painted (until they wisely decided to hire somebody competent to do it). A week ago, like any idiot with a dream and a general lack of common sense, I ran away to New York where I am now living like a modern-day gypsy. SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO KAYLA AND KIM WHO ARE GENEROUSLY LETTING ME STAY ON THEIR BOMB-ASS FUTON UNTIL I FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. Since moving back, I have found and quit a job. More on that later.

4. Your haikus will be posted on this here website on Tuesday. Why? So that I could title my post "Tuesday? More like HAIKUsday!" I realize this means you will have to wait longer, but I couldn't sacrifice the hilarity of that title for the likes of you. You may be disappointed, but I know that deep down you understand.

Look forward to reading more about poverty/humiliation/dreams being shit on. Oh and dick jokes. Let's not forget the dick jokes.

SPECIAL NOTICE

If I have a total of at least 10 followers by the end of the week, I will write a haiku for each follower. If I don't... fuck you guys.

The gauntlet has been thrown.

DON'T LET ME DOWN!

GOLD DIGGING 101

Can't get a real job? Get yourself some sugar!

Sugamommas and Sugadaddies are lookin for the lovin of a broke young thing (BYT) like yourself. They are more than happy to pay you for pretending to find them attractive. Does this sound like something you could do? If so, read on and learn the 4 simple steps to finding the meal ticket of your dreams.

HOW TO FIND A SUGAR MOMMA AND/OR DADDY

STEP 1: BE HOT- If you have a good face and a sweet bod (TITS for ladies, ABS for dudes), all you have to do is post a pic of yourself on a website like millionaireflirt.com or sugardaddy.com. The rest will take care of itself. Stop reading and thank the lord that you are blessed with sexiness. If you're normal looking or worse, proceed to Step 2.

STEP 2: KNOW YOUR TARGETS- If you aren't hot, the sugar mommas and daddies are not going to come after you. You need to go and get them. Like any other form of hunting, this will require some strategy. Here's what you need to know:

• There are 2 types of single rich people. The first type has unrealistically high standards. They think they deserve perfection. You are not good enough for them. The second type is repulsive. It doesn't matter how rich they are- something about them (their weight, their personality, their scent, etc) is so offensive, nobody wants to even pretend to be interested in them. They are not good enough for you (or any other human).
• You stand to gain more from married rich people. But aren't affairs immoral? Sure, but face it- gold digging is legal prostitution. When you trade sex for money, your morality goes out the window. Married rich people are generally easier to seduce, because you aren't competing for them with every other single person on earth. You're only competing with their spouse.
 

STEP 3: SELL YOURSELF- No, not as a REAL prostitute. Put up flyers around a rich neighborhood advertising yourself as something only reach people have- a chauffeur, a maid/butler, a pool boy, a gardener. Be sure to sell yourself for minimum wage or less- rich people may have a lot of money, but that doesn't mean they aren't cheap. Besides, this job isn't REALLY how you're going to be making your money. This job is how you're going to meet that rich married person, giving you an excuse to spend all your time with them without raising any eyebrows.

STEP 4: BE A TERRIBLE PERSON- Casually mention how the rich married persons' wife/husband just doesn't appreciate what he/she has. Question whether monogamy is obsolete. Talk about how sad it is that passion doesn't last forever. You will form a connection. You will smush. The married rich person will most likely pay through the nose to make sure you keep your mouth shut. If they won't you can sell your story to a tabloid magazine and write a tell-all memoir about it. Either way, you will be set for life.

Congratulations! You now have what it takes to become a triflin' friend indeed. Go get someone to dig on.

Mad props to Michelle "Boner Champ" Wiltz for coming up with the idea  for today's post.

A NOTE TO MALE POLITICIANS

I know sex scandals in politics are nothing new. I know this. It just seems like male politicians are being especially slutty these days, so I thought I should give them some career advice. Sex scandals NEVER advance a politician's career. Usually, they end them. Male Politicians take note: IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ANY SEMBLANCE OF POWER, YOU NEED TO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. Here's why:

YOU WILL GET CAUGHT- We found out about John Edwards. We found out about Bill Clinton. You are not special. If you're doing someone you shouldn't, we will find out about you. You know why? Journalists LOVE these stories. EVERYBODY loves these stories. Sex scandals are the least boring thing about  politics. If a journalist hears a rumor of your involvement in some sexual misdeed, you're fucked. Once they find some sort of lead (for example, a child of your maid's that looks suspiciously like you), they will pounce on it. They will ride it as hard as they can. They will thrust themselves deeper and deeper into your story until they are satisfied, and I promise you, they won't be satisfied until they see to it that you're finished.

YOUR COCK WILL BE A LAUGHINGSTOCK - Hey Weiner, wanna know what every single girl you sent that crotch shot to did with it? They showed it to their friends, saying "Hey! Look what I got this old dude to send me!" before sharing a hearty laugh at your manhood's expense. Unfortunately for a male politician, when you send out erotic photos, the recipient laughing at them is THE BEST CASE SCENARIO. Even more unfortunately, there is a strong chance a journalist will find your picture, and before you know it, the entire country will be laughing at your cock.

WE VOTED FOR YOU, NOT YOUR PENIS- You are a reflection of the voice of the American people. We chose you to represent us. We realize that you and your penis are a package deal, but ultimately, we vote for YOU, trusting that YOU are in complete control of your dong. We didn't put you in a position of power so you could use it to bang hot ladies, and you know it. Every time you put what your dick wants over what your voters want, you are slapping your voters in the face (with your dick). We come first, and if that means you don't at all, then so be it. That's the choice you made when you ran for office. You owe it to us all to quit dicking around.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4... SHOULD I BOTHER?

When you're unemployed, you have a lot of time on your hands. You also have no source of income. "Should I Bother" explores low cost ways of killing time, ultimately deciding whether they are worth getting out of bed for.

SHOULD I BOTHER WATCHING PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4?

 No. Do not bother with this movie.

I'm sure that not everybody will hate this movie as much as I did (I really fucking hated this movie), but I'm equally sure that no one will love this movie. This is why I'm going to outline some of the film's qualities you might THINK would make this movie worth your time and suggest better ways to see those same things.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE...

Penelope Cruz is So Hot it's Stupid- watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I haven't actually seen this movie, but I know she makes out with Scarlett Johanssen in it. So it has that going for it. And really, if you want to see Penelope Cruz looking ridiculously hot, you can watch ANY OTHER MOVIE she is in without having to pay $14 for a movie ticket.

You Heard There Were Flesh-Eating Mermaids In It- That's true. There are flesh-eating mermaids. Sounds pretty cool, right? WELL IT ISN'T. Somehow it is boring. Even worse, one of the mermaids decides not to eat human flesh and falls in love with Philip, a boring missionary who likes being judgemental, giving long-winded rants about good and evil, and taking off his shirt. I can't think of any other movie about flesh-eating mermaids, but if you like watching people being eaten by sea creatures you could watch Jaws or Piranha 3D (or wait 61 days for SHARK WEEK).

You Like Movies about the Fountain of Youth- Seriously?  I guess you could just watch Cocoon again, weirdo.

This is the First Pirates Movie in 3D- The only time you really notice that it's in 3D is when Barbosa is waving his sword around and it points directly at the viewer's face. Just go to the dollar store, buy a plastic sword, and have one of your friends wave it around in front of you. It's pretty much the same thing.

This is the First Pirates Movie Where a Character has a Wooden Leg- I realize this isn't really something that draws people to movies. I just wanted to point out that for the first time in a FRANCHISE ABOUT PIRATES one of the characters has a wooden leg. This is the most remarkable thing about the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

You Love Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow-Jack Sparrow is hands down the best part of the Pirates franchise. He more or less does the same shit in every movie, and it's always at least a little amusing. Here's the problem: Jack Sparrow is a pirate. By nature he is supposed to be unpredictable, but at this point we've seen so much of him, we always know what he's going to do. He's going to be a scoundrel, but he's going to end up doing the right thing and saving the day as usual. He has a few funny lines, but they aren't enough to make his character seem exciting anymore. If you want to watch Captain Jack Sparrow, just watch the first Pirates movie again. Johnny Depp gives such a good performance that he gets paid millions of dollars to do it again every 2 years.

BOTTOM LINE- Sleeping is more worth your time than Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

CASE OF THE MONDAYS: DEADLINES

When you're unemployed, time has no meaning. You have nothing to do and nowhere to be. People with jobs hate Mondays because they kick off the work week, requiring them to be at a specific place at a specific time ready to do a specific thing. People without jobs hate Mondays because they serve as a reminder of what their lives were like when they were functioning members of society. This is why once a week I will explore one of the benefits of unemployment in a segment called "Case of the Mondays".

But... but it's Wednesday. Why is she writing a "Case of the Mondays" on a- OHHH I GET IT. Clever.

DON'T WALLOW

You may have noticed I haven't posted anything new in the past couple of days. Is it because I've found a job? Heavens, no. It is because I've spent the past few days doing something that is all too easy for the unemployed... I have been wallowing in my own despair.

I know what you're thinking... you're thinking Wow, that Adrienne chick is so deep. She's all brooding and interesting and sexy, like a female version of Ryan from the O.C. I want to be just like her. DO NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS. There is nothing less attractive than sitting around moping and feeling sorry for yourself. If you answer yes to one or more of the following, it might already be too late for you.

AM I WALLOWING IN MY OWN DESPAIR TEST

In the past few days, have you:

-gone over 24 hours without leaving your house

-worn dirty clothes in public figuring that you have no one to impress anyway

-sent an email saying "FUCK YOU" to the writer of a craigslist post for a bogus job instead of just flagging the post

-watched more than 7 consecutive episodes of the same show, only stopping when your internet connection to netflix slows down and you realize you are hungry, thirsty, and have to pee worse than you ever have in your entire life

-sent out a text message only to worry a millisecond later that your phone was broken because you didn't get a response yet

-realized you've probably gained 5 pounds after thinking about all of crap you've eaten

-decided to continue eating crap using the logic that those last 5 pounds are supposed to be the hardest to lose anyway, so you might as well gain at least 6 pounds.

-become enraged when a stupid song by Black Eyed Peas comes on the radio, realizing that they have made more money from that stupid song than you will ever make in your entire life

-avoided your friends with real jobs 

-felt jealous of people who haven't graduated yet because they still have their whole lives ahead of them

How did you do? Are you wallowing in your own despair? If so, don't worry... it's easy to fix. Take a fucking shower, put on some clean clothes, and quit your bitching. And for fuck's sake, put away the poptarts. They aren't making you any thinner.

CELEBRITY GROW UP! GET A JOB!: OPRAH

Several of today's celebrities are in desperate need of career counseling. This is why once a week I will provide some good old-fashioned (unsolicited) advice to a star in need.  

Before I begin, I want to make something clear:  Oprah does not need my advice. I'm sure that whatever she spends her time doing instead of her talk show will be Omazing. I just hope(rah) that before she begins her next big project she considers EVERY POSSIBLE OPTION, because when it comes to Captain O-Town (that's what I call her when we hang out), not even the sky is the limit. This brings me to the first of five suggestions as to what she should do...

5. Go to the Moon- Because why not.

4. Buy a 3rd World Country- Oprah is all about helping the poor. She already runs a small empire. Taking over a 3rd world country wouldn't be that much of a stretch for her, career-wise. And I guarantee that Ethioprah (or whatever she ends up naming her country) would become more powerful than China within 3 months.

3. Slut it up- You never hear about Oprah getting with anybody. She's not exactly a sex symbol, but plenty of broke, hot, wannabe stars (or starlets, if Oprah swings that way) would be happy to mack it with The Big O for a taste of the limelight.  Imagine going on TMZ one day seeing a video of a drunk Oprah stumbling out of a club at 3 am with a barely-legal hottie. #winfreying

2. Become a Hip-Hop Artist- She's richer than Hov and Diddy put together, and all THEY ever do is rap about how rich they are.

1. Get fat as hell- Oprah is at constant battle with her weight. Even with a personal trainer and private chef, she's got a little extra junk in her trunk. Oprah is never going to be skinny. Why not just get really fat? She can afford to eat ANYTHING. She could pay to have people bake and serve her a fresh cake every hour on the hour for the rest of her life if she wanted to. And I don't know about you, but I prefer fat Oprah to skinny Oprah... Her struggle with weight gain is the only thing about her that makes her relatable to mere mortals. She should eat whatever the fuck she wants. She's earned it.

Who knows? Maybe she'll end up taking ALL of my suggestions. If anyone could do all of these things at once, it is The Oprah.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR BRAIN FROM ROTTING

The human brain is like.... eh.

When you're unemployed, you rarely have to do things that require thought. After long periods of inactivity, the mind will melt away, like a banana in a hurricane. That analogy, like Helen Keller, was completely senseless. If you don't use your brain, it will turn to mush, like some other thing that is also mushy. As you can see, it's too late for me. My mind is gone, but there's still hope for you. Read on to learn how to keep your brain alive.

DO NOT GO ON YOUTUBE- It starts off innocently enough- you just wanted to check out a music video. You notice on the right side of your screen a link to a video that has a cute animal in it. You will be tempted to click it, but you must not. On average, cute animal (or baby) videos kill approximately 10 brain cells per viewing. The more adorable the video, the more of a danger it is to your brain cells. The same basic principle applies to videos of people getting hurt, farting, or dancing (only in this case, the fatter the person, the more dangerous the video). If you find yourself posting comments on videos, you'll know your brain has been irreparably damaged.

DO NOT WATCH DAYTIME TV- It is an indisputable fact that watching anything that airs on basic cable between the hours of 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. will make you stupid.

GET A HOBBY- But hobbies are for losers, you might be thinking. Well guess what, Bucko... you're a loser now! You don't even wear pants anymore, for crying out loud! You need to find something to do with yourself! I recommend choosing some form of exercise as a hobby, because you're probably fat now from all the Doritos, cheap booze, and video games.

GO OUTSIDE- Not only because a little fresh air and sunshine will awaken your senses, but because you probably smell terrible from wearing the same clothes and sitting on your ass all week... you could stand to air out a little.

KEEP LOOKING FOR WORK- We both know you're worthless. You'll need to trick people into thinking you're capable of doing things. That's going to require some brain power. Also, looking for work reinforces the idea that you're not going to be unemployed forever. At some point, you will re-enter society. There's hope for you yet, if you can keep your brain (or what's left of it) alive.

Heed my advice! If you don't, you'll become totally useless, like an Apple store in Amish country. Or some other thing that is also useless.

YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS NOT THAT AWESOME

As your life becomes increasingly complicated, you might start to wish you could go back to the days when you had no responsibilities, when Hey Arnold! was on all the time, and when buying candy was your top financial priority. If you ever feel like talking about how much you miss your childhood, DON'T. Nostalgia is annoying. Here are 5 reasons your childhood was not as awesome as you think it was:

5. You were stupid looking- Take out your middle school yearbook. What do the goths, nerds, losers, and cool kids have in common? They all look terrible. Look at your picture. Your clothes are ridiculous. You  have (or need) braces. Your hair is inexplicable. MAYBE you were cute in elementary school, but as a rule, between the ages of 11-16 you look horrendous. Even if you live to be 100, you'll never look as stupid as you did back then.

4. Your favorite shows now are better than your favorite shows then- Yes, we all loved Doug, but try to watch it now... You might get through one or two episodes (it's still a pretty enjoyable show), but wouldn't you rather be watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Mad Men? And don't say "They don't make shows like ______ anymore" because they do. You're just too mature to appreciate them.

3. The internet was slow as shit- Imagine you're 12 years old. You want to listen to, I don't know, Clay Aiken's performance of "Build Me Up Buttercup" from last night's American Idol. You have dial-up internet, so you have to explain to your mom that she won't be able to make or receive phone calls for at least the next hour. Youtube doesn't exist yet, so you open Kazaa and search for your file. A half hour later you find it and start downloading. As you wait, you talk to your BFF on AIM, who tells you they heard that the person you like like only likes you as a friend. Bummer. Perhaps an upbeat rendition of an old pop tune would make you feel better! Too bad the song is only 5% downloaded. By the time the song has downloaded, it's your brother's turn to use the computer. You don't have an iPod yet, and you don't have a blank CD, so you have no way of listening to the song now. Sad story. But that sort of thing will never happen to you again.

2. You had no control over your diet- It didn't matter if you were in the mood for pasta, or if you didn't like meat loaf. You ate what your parents made you. End of story. Now, if you want to eat ice cream for dinner, YOU CAN. You don't have to ask your mom if you can get candy at the store... you just buy it and enjoy it whenever you feel like it. Yes, it sucks that you have to buy your own food, but at least you're in control. No more casseroles unless YOU WANT casserole.

1. The F-Word was your enemy- There's no getting around it... "fuck" is a wonderful word. You can't use it all the time, but you CAN use it without fear of being sent to your room without dessert. You CAN go to movies that use that word more than three times without having to beg your parents to buy tickets for you. The next time something makes you angry, shout "FUCK!". You've earned that right. You deserve it. It will make you feel better. The best part? Now that you're an adult, not only can you SAY the F-Word, you can go out and FIND someone to F-word... provided you stop talking about how awesome your Pokemon card collection was and start appreciating adulthood.

CASE OF THE MONDAYS: PANTS

When you're unemployed, time has no meaning. You have nothing to do and nowhere to be. People with jobs hate Mondays because they kick off the work week, requiring them to be at a specific place at a specific time ready to do a specific thing. People without jobs hate Mondays because they serve as a reminder of what their lives were like when they were functioning members of society. This is why once a week I will explore one of the benefits of unemployment in a segment called "Case of the Mondays".

YOUR WHOLE LIFE JUST BECAME "PANTS OPTIONAL"

People with jobs have to look presentable.

But you don't have a job. This rule does not apply to you.

When you don't have a job, there's nothing stopping you from wearing your favorite hoodie and a pair of boxer shorts virtually every day. If for some reason you have to go outside (for instance if you run out of that store-brand cereal you've been living on), you can pull a pair of sweatpants on over your boxer shorts. They don't even have to be clean!

The next time one of your employed friends talks about something they were able to buy with the paycheck they worked for, smile politely. Pretend to be happy for them. Sure, they have money, but you have FREEDOM. The freedom to not wear pants.

When Patrick Henry said "Give me liberty or give me death", he was talking about the right to a pants-free life. If you're unemployed, be proud to drop trou. You're not a disgusting bum- you're a Pantsless Patriot.

REGARDING THE RAPTURE

Welp. You're still here. Still unemployed. The world didn't end. Congratulations, I guess. What are you doing reading this? I know you have important things to do... that box of Cap'n Crunch isn't going to eat itself.

Don't worry, my fellow hopeless bums. We've still got 2012. And when have the Mayans ever been wrong about anything?

Until then, the job hunt continues.

COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR BROKEN DREAMS: DENIAL

Remember when you left for college? You had big dreams! And now, well... you've hardly set the world on fire. Face it kid: your dreams were stupid. But you'll be ok. Once a week, I'll help you to numb the slow-burning pain of failure in a segment called "Coming to Terms with Your Broken Dreams".

It may seem like a lifetime ago, but there was a time when you were not a waste of human life. There was a time when walking to the store to buy poptarts because you were out of poptarts was just a small part of your day... not what your whole day was leading up to. Good news: nobody has to know that you don't do anything ever. You can convince yourself that what you're doing isn't pointless. This starts with denial. All you need to do is mentally add some razzle-dazzle to the mundane parts of your day. Let me show you what I mean:

Instead of watching a Frasier marathon, you: spent three hours observing the lives of psychiatrists, noting the irony that students of the human mind have plenty of their own complex mental issues.

Instead of eating a bag of Doritos, you: celebrated a modern twist on a classic Tex-Mex dish.

Instead of playing Call of Duty Black Ops (Zombie Mode) for 4 hours, you: conditioned your brain to be ready for a Zombie Apocalypse by exploring various video simulations.

Instead of wandering aimlessly around the neighborhood just to get out of your fucking house for a few minutes, you: took a little time to appreciate the local flora and fauna, to stop and smell the roses.

Instead of going on Facebook to confirm your suspicions that all of your friends are having more fun than you, you: took advantage of social media, appreciating the ease with which it allows you to connect with those who matter to you.

Do you understand? You don't have to do productive things. You have to trick yourself into believing that what you're doing is productive. I'd teach you more, but I must be off... my brain is not as prepared for the impending Zombie Apocalypse as it could be.

Oh, and just so you know... your friends are all definitely having more fun than you.

IT COULD BE WORSE

Hey. Heeeeeeey. I know things are hard for you, Unemployed Person. All of your friends with jobs are looking forward to the weekend, and you barely know what day of the week it is (Thursday). Your friends are deciding which bar to go to tonight, and you're deciding which flavor of Doritos you want to eat for dinner (Cool Ranch). Yes, things are rough. But they could be worse. Here's a list of 5 jobs that are more depressing than being unemployed.

5. A Crack Whore- Because you're trading sex for crack.

4. Hoda Kotb- Because she co-hosts the last hour of The Today Show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Her whole job is shouting whatever's on the teleprompter as a drunk Kathie Lee runs around berating her and doing whatever the hell she wants.

3. The President- Because no matter what you do, half of the country will hate you. And imagine the stress of straightening out a country that's more of a tangled mess than Ke$ha's hair (aw $nap!).

2. A Stripper Working the Tuesday Afternoon Shift- Because not only are you a stripper, you're a terrible stripper. Plus, think about the kind of people who would go to strip clubs on a weekday afternoon. Yikes.

1. Batman- Because you're a millionaire, but you can't even enjoy it. You have to use that money to build these crazy crime-fighting contraptions. A piece of your heart was blasted away by the same gun that murdered your parents all those years ago. You don a silly costume night after night as you beat criminals within an inch of their lives, hoping against hope it will fill that hole in your heart. But guess what? That hole can never be filled. Also, how much of a dick is The Joker?

There you have it. You have no money, prospects, or anything resembling a social life, but you're not a crack whore. So you've got that going for you.

CELEBRITY GROW UP! GET A JOB!: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Several of today's celebrities are in desperate need of career counseling. They need our help. This is why once a week I will provide some good old-fashioned (unsolicited) advice to a star in need.  

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the real world equivalent of Hansel from Zoolander... he's so hot right now. He just finished his last term as governor of California, he's the center of what is already being called the sex scandal of the year, and, perhaps best of all, he's back on the market. Like a futuristic cyborg on a mission, Arnold is unstoppable. What should he do with all this power? Here are a few suggestions...

5. Write a Tell-All Memoir- Let's face it- Maria Shriver's probably already penned a first draft of hers. Don't you want to hear both sides of the story? And for those of you who are worried Arnold might not be the best writer, I have two words: Audio Book.

4. Become an Exterminator- You know... because he used to be in the Terminator movies, making him an ex-terminator? Eh? Ehhh? Oh, shut up. You're not funny either.

3. Start Starring in Family Movies Again- Everybody agrees that Kindergarten Cop and Jingle All the Way were Schwarzenegger's most iconic films. Why not start making wacky movies the whole family can enjoy again? We know Arnold's a family man... that's why he has two of them.

2. Celebrity Fragrance- Usher, Diddy, and Donald Trump have 'em. And who wouldn't want to smell like a bodybuilder? Imagine the commercials for it: "Terminator... She'll be back."

1. Pageant Coach- Mr. Universe isn't technically a beauty pageant, but come on... it includes people walking around in outfits specifically designed to show off their hot bods which are being ranked by a panel of judges. It's pretty much the same thing. Arnold won the title of Mr. Universe decades ago, so he knows what it takes to be the best of the best. He should share that knowledge with beginners on the pageant circuit. I'm sure crazy parents would pay through the nose to have him teach their four year old beauty-queens-in-training how to appeal to judges. And how great would it be to see him on Toddlers and Tiaras? 

Whichever path he chooses, Arnold won't fail. To him,Americans are like Skynet in Terminator 2... he's got us by the balls.

THE TODAY SHOW... SHOULD I BOTHER?

When you're unemployed, you have a lot of time on your hands. You also have no source of income. "Should I Bother" explores low cost ways of killing time, ultimately deciding whether they are worth getting out of bed for.

  

SHOULD I BOTHER WATCHING THE TODAY SHOW? 

The Today Show is America's most popular morning news program, and it's 4 hours long. This means that you could kill one-sixth of your day learning about current events by watching it, right? Wrong. The Today Show is not really a news show. It spends about 5 minutes every hour reducing important stories to headlines before filling the rest of it with tabloid stories and/or stories about what's wrong with kids these days, fashion shows and/or cooking tips, and painful/forced conversation. See chart below:

 

If you're interested in making your baby look stylin' or listening to people speculate about celebrities, watching The Today Show wouldn't be the worst way for you to kill time. If you're not interested in either of those things (and you're awake before noon) you might as well be watching Maury- it's 10 times more entertaining, and almost as informative.

BOTTOM LINE: Sleeping is more worth your time than The Today Show.

JOB INTERVIEWS: WHEN SHOULD I LIE?

Author's Note: I have never lied at a job interview, and I never will. I am simply writing these tips for people who do not have as rich a work history as I do. Not everyone was a member of the Navy Seal team that got Bin Laden or helped to develop the AIDS vaccine.

SCENARIO 1: They want someone bilingual. You speak English and took a Spanish class in high school, but everything beyond how to count to 10 is a distant memory.
SHOULD I LIE? No.
WHY/WHY NOT? They will find out. You will look like an idiot, or as the Spanish say "el dumbasso". See? That wasn't even real Spanish. Not that it makes any difference to you, dumbass.

SCENARIO 2: They want someone with experience. You don't have it.
SHOULD I LIE? It depends on what the job is. Ask yourself if doing so could put your life or the lives of others at risk. A minimum wage waitressing gig? Lie. Electrician? Don't lie.
WHY/WHY NOT? You'll figure out how to be a waitress pretty quickly (and if you don't, the worst thing that will happen is you'll get fired). You won't figure out how to be an electrician (and if you try, you might die).

SCENARIO 3: They want somebody "passionate about ________". You do not give a shit about whatever _______ is.
SHOULD I LIE? Are you stupid? Yes!
WHY/WHY NOT? Oh, sweet unemployed person. Do you want this job? Then you have to at least pretend to care. Doing so will slowly chip away at your soul, but being able to afford food and a place to live will slightly numb the pain. Chances are you will spend much of your life pretending to care about something stupid as you become a corporate drone and your dreams become a distant memory. Is this sad? Yes. But it is less sad than homelessness. So stop being idealistic, and get a  fucking job. Dumbasso.

MAKING YOUR RESUMÉ AWESOMÉ: REASONS YOU LEFT YOUR LAST JOB

If you're reading this blog, chances are you don't exactly have the world swinging from your nuts. You're worried that nobody would want to hire a loser like you... and you're right. They don't. Luckily, you can trick employers into thinking you could actually be of use to them using your resumé.

WHAT TO WRITE AS THE REASON YOU LEFT YOUR LAST JOB

DON'T: say "I left my last job because it sucked." 

DO: say something that includes the phrase "lacked potential for career advancement".

BONUS POINTS: mention your respect for your previous boss. Even if he was kind of a dick.

DON'T: say "I was laid off."

DO: say something that includes the phrase "contract expired".

BONUS POINTS: allude to the bad economy.

DON'T: say "I was fired."

DO: say "I had no choice but to go rogue. Like Jack Bauer."

BONUS POINTS: make sure the phone number you give for your previous boss is out of service.

COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR BROKEN DREAMS: CHEAP BOOZE

Remember when you left for college? You had big dreams! And now, well... you've hardly set the world on fire. Face it kid: your dreams were stupid. But you'll be ok. Once a week, I'll help you to numb the slow-burning pain of failure in a segment called "Coming to Terms with Your Broken Dreams".

When a homeless person asks you for money, what do you tell yourself to justify not giving a single penny to this human being in desperate need of some compassion? They'll probably only use my money to buy booze. While not all homeless people are alcoholics, we've all seen someone who can't afford real shoes drowning their sorrows on the side of the street. Homeless people know a thing or two about broken dreams, which means YOU could stand to learn something from them... What is the most cost-effective way to numb the slow-burning pain of failure using alcohol?

4Loko? It's cheap, has a super high alcohol content, and I'd imagine if broken dreams had a taste, that taste would be similar to 4Loko. However, choosing this drink would be a mistake. Drinks like 4Loko are too extreme. They won't numb your pain... they will blast it away for a few hours. So you'll have a few hours of blacked-out bliss, but your pain will come back 10X stronger than it was before, and it will be combined with a headache, a stomach ache, and burps that taste like an evil jolly-rancher.


Cheap liquor (like Burnett's Vodka)? If you're planning on mixing it with something, this wouldn't be the worst choice (but you would have to shell out extra cash on mixers). Drinking it straight might seem like the economical choice, but doing this would be a mistake. Odds are, you don't have health insurance, and if you're sitting around chugging straight vodka, you are definitely going to get alcohol poisoning. Not only are you still a loser, you have to pay hospital bills.

Cheap wine? I guess that's ok... If you want to be a pussy your whole life.

The best way to numb your pain with alcohol for cheap is with 40s. Whether it is a 40 of beer or a 40 of malt liquor is up to you. 40 oz containers of beer and malt liquor will not send you to the hospital or cause you to black out. They will give you a slight buzz that will slowly make you feel like less of a failure. This buzz will wear off gradually, so it won't be such a harsh awakening when you realize you're still a failure. The best part? 40s fit perfectly in a brown paper bag, so you can drink outside in the middle of the afternoon without getting arrested.

Now do yourself a favor, and buy a 40! And maybe on the way back give your change to a homeless person... it's the least you could do, considering the important lesson they taught you about cost effective boozing.

CELEBRITY GROW UP! GET A JOB!: DONALD TRUMP

Several of today's celebrities are in desperate need of career counseling. They need our help. This is why once a week I will provide some good old-fashioned (unsolicited) advice to a star in need.  

Donald Trump seems to have it all... Buildings made of gold, a hit reality show, a fragrance sold at Macy's, a supermodel wife, and a head of hair so magnificent that it has its very own Facebook page. This is not enough for The Donald. He is dissatisfied to the point that he is threatening to run for president... if he can't be happy, he will make the entire United States miserable. Here is a list of 5 jobs Mr. Trump is perfectly suited for. Here's hoping he chooses one of these instead of prolonging his (and our) suffering by running for president.

5. Novelty Rapper: In the 90s, The Humpty Dance was a novelty rap sensation. Those days are long gone. It is time for The Trumpty Dance.

4. Star in a Crime Drama Series: Who got to the bottom of that whole Obama citizenship mystery? The Trumpster. His knack for solving mysteries and coming up with dope catchphrases makes him a natural for a starring role in a CSI type procedural. Criminals? (put sunglasses on) You're fired. YEEEEEEAH!!!

3. Start a Restaurant Chain: Like Hooters, but for Executives.

2. Start a Television Network: Like Oprah's network, but with less shows about preparing low calorie meals, and more shows about golf and boobs.

1. Buy an Island off of Costa Rica: Whether he chooses to build a dinosaur theme park or spend his days sipping tropical drinks while surrounded by women in bikinis is up to him. BUYING A PRIVATE ISLAND AND DOING WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT THERE IS THE ENTIRE POINT OF GETTING RICH. 

Donald Trump doesn't need to run for president of the United States. He needs to be emperor of his own private island. It's the only way he'll ever be happy.