Several of today's celebrities are in desperate need of career counseling. This is why once a week I will provide some good old-fashioned (unsolicited) advice to a star in need.
Before I begin, I want to make something clear: Oprah does not need my advice. I'm sure that whatever she spends her time doing instead of her talk show will be Omazing. I just hope(rah) that before she begins her next big project she considers EVERY POSSIBLE OPTION, because when it comes to Captain O-Town (that's what I call her when we hang out), not even the sky is the limit. This brings me to the first of five suggestions as to what she should do...
5. Go to the Moon- Because why not.
4. Buy a 3rd World Country- Oprah is all about helping the poor. She already runs a small empire. Taking over a 3rd world country wouldn't be that much of a stretch for her, career-wise. And I guarantee that Ethioprah (or whatever she ends up naming her country) would become more powerful than China within 3 months.
3. Slut it up- You never hear about Oprah getting with anybody. She's not exactly a sex symbol, but plenty of broke, hot, wannabe stars (or starlets, if Oprah swings that way) would be happy to mack it with The Big O for a taste of the limelight. Imagine going on TMZ one day seeing a video of a drunk Oprah stumbling out of a club at 3 am with a barely-legal hottie. #winfreying
2. Become a Hip-Hop Artist- She's richer than Hov and Diddy put together, and all THEY ever do is rap about how rich they are.
1. Get fat as hell- Oprah is at constant battle with her weight. Even with a personal trainer and private chef, she's got a little extra junk in her trunk. Oprah is never going to be skinny. Why not just get really fat? She can afford to eat ANYTHING. She could pay to have people bake and serve her a fresh cake every hour on the hour for the rest of her life if she wanted to. And I don't know about you, but I prefer fat Oprah to skinny Oprah... Her struggle with weight gain is the only thing about her that makes her relatable to mere mortals. She should eat whatever the fuck she wants. She's earned it.
Who knows? Maybe she'll end up taking ALL of my suggestions. If anyone could do all of these things at once, it is The Oprah.
Before I begin, I want to make something clear: Oprah does not need my advice. I'm sure that whatever she spends her time doing instead of her talk show will be Omazing. I just hope(rah) that before she begins her next big project she considers EVERY POSSIBLE OPTION, because when it comes to Captain O-Town (that's what I call her when we hang out), not even the sky is the limit. This brings me to the first of five suggestions as to what she should do...
5. Go to the Moon- Because why not.
4. Buy a 3rd World Country- Oprah is all about helping the poor. She already runs a small empire. Taking over a 3rd world country wouldn't be that much of a stretch for her, career-wise. And I guarantee that Ethioprah (or whatever she ends up naming her country) would become more powerful than China within 3 months.
3. Slut it up- You never hear about Oprah getting with anybody. She's not exactly a sex symbol, but plenty of broke, hot, wannabe stars (or starlets, if Oprah swings that way) would be happy to mack it with The Big O for a taste of the limelight. Imagine going on TMZ one day seeing a video of a drunk Oprah stumbling out of a club at 3 am with a barely-legal hottie. #winfreying
2. Become a Hip-Hop Artist- She's richer than Hov and Diddy put together, and all THEY ever do is rap about how rich they are.
1. Get fat as hell- Oprah is at constant battle with her weight. Even with a personal trainer and private chef, she's got a little extra junk in her trunk. Oprah is never going to be skinny. Why not just get really fat? She can afford to eat ANYTHING. She could pay to have people bake and serve her a fresh cake every hour on the hour for the rest of her life if she wanted to. And I don't know about you, but I prefer fat Oprah to skinny Oprah... Her struggle with weight gain is the only thing about her that makes her relatable to mere mortals. She should eat whatever the fuck she wants. She's earned it.
Who knows? Maybe she'll end up taking ALL of my suggestions. If anyone could do all of these things at once, it is The Oprah.
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