I know sex scandals in politics are nothing new. I know this. It just seems like male politicians are being especially slutty these days, so I thought I should give them some career advice. Sex scandals NEVER advance a politician's career. Usually, they end them. Male Politicians take note: IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ANY SEMBLANCE OF POWER, YOU NEED TO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. Here's why:
YOU WILL GET CAUGHT- We found out about John Edwards. We found out about Bill Clinton. You are not special. If you're doing someone you shouldn't, we will find out about you. You know why? Journalists LOVE these stories. EVERYBODY loves these stories. Sex scandals are the least boring thing about politics. If a journalist hears a rumor of your involvement in some sexual misdeed, you're fucked. Once they find some sort of lead (for example, a child of your maid's that looks suspiciously like you), they will pounce on it. They will ride it as hard as they can. They will thrust themselves deeper and deeper into your story until they are satisfied, and I promise you, they won't be satisfied until they see to it that you're finished.
YOUR COCK WILL BE A LAUGHINGSTOCK - Hey Weiner, wanna know what every single girl you sent that crotch shot to did with it? They showed it to their friends, saying "Hey! Look what I got this old dude to send me!" before sharing a hearty laugh at your manhood's expense. Unfortunately for a male politician, when you send out erotic photos, the recipient laughing at them is THE BEST CASE SCENARIO. Even more unfortunately, there is a strong chance a journalist will find your picture, and before you know it, the entire country will be laughing at your cock.
WE VOTED FOR YOU, NOT YOUR PENIS- You are a reflection of the voice of the American people. We chose you to represent us. We realize that you and your penis are a package deal, but ultimately, we vote for YOU, trusting that YOU are in complete control of your dong. We didn't put you in a position of power so you could use it to bang hot ladies, and you know it. Every time you put what your dick wants over what your voters want, you are slapping your voters in the face (with your dick). We come first, and if that means you don't at all, then so be it. That's the choice you made when you ran for office. You owe it to us all to quit dicking around.
YOU WILL GET CAUGHT- We found out about John Edwards. We found out about Bill Clinton. You are not special. If you're doing someone you shouldn't, we will find out about you. You know why? Journalists LOVE these stories. EVERYBODY loves these stories. Sex scandals are the least boring thing about politics. If a journalist hears a rumor of your involvement in some sexual misdeed, you're fucked. Once they find some sort of lead (for example, a child of your maid's that looks suspiciously like you), they will pounce on it. They will ride it as hard as they can. They will thrust themselves deeper and deeper into your story until they are satisfied, and I promise you, they won't be satisfied until they see to it that you're finished.
YOUR COCK WILL BE A LAUGHINGSTOCK - Hey Weiner, wanna know what every single girl you sent that crotch shot to did with it? They showed it to their friends, saying "Hey! Look what I got this old dude to send me!" before sharing a hearty laugh at your manhood's expense. Unfortunately for a male politician, when you send out erotic photos, the recipient laughing at them is THE BEST CASE SCENARIO. Even more unfortunately, there is a strong chance a journalist will find your picture, and before you know it, the entire country will be laughing at your cock.
WE VOTED FOR YOU, NOT YOUR PENIS- You are a reflection of the voice of the American people. We chose you to represent us. We realize that you and your penis are a package deal, but ultimately, we vote for YOU, trusting that YOU are in complete control of your dong. We didn't put you in a position of power so you could use it to bang hot ladies, and you know it. Every time you put what your dick wants over what your voters want, you are slapping your voters in the face (with your dick). We come first, and if that means you don't at all, then so be it. That's the choice you made when you ran for office. You owe it to us all to quit dicking around.
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