GOLD DIGGING 101

Can't get a real job? Get yourself some sugar!

Sugamommas and Sugadaddies are lookin for the lovin of a broke young thing (BYT) like yourself. They are more than happy to pay you for pretending to find them attractive. Does this sound like something you could do? If so, read on and learn the 4 simple steps to finding the meal ticket of your dreams.

HOW TO FIND A SUGAR MOMMA AND/OR DADDY

STEP 1: BE HOT- If you have a good face and a sweet bod (TITS for ladies, ABS for dudes), all you have to do is post a pic of yourself on a website like millionaireflirt.com or sugardaddy.com. The rest will take care of itself. Stop reading and thank the lord that you are blessed with sexiness. If you're normal looking or worse, proceed to Step 2.

STEP 2: KNOW YOUR TARGETS- If you aren't hot, the sugar mommas and daddies are not going to come after you. You need to go and get them. Like any other form of hunting, this will require some strategy. Here's what you need to know:

• There are 2 types of single rich people. The first type has unrealistically high standards. They think they deserve perfection. You are not good enough for them. The second type is repulsive. It doesn't matter how rich they are- something about them (their weight, their personality, their scent, etc) is so offensive, nobody wants to even pretend to be interested in them. They are not good enough for you (or any other human).
• You stand to gain more from married rich people. But aren't affairs immoral? Sure, but face it- gold digging is legal prostitution. When you trade sex for money, your morality goes out the window. Married rich people are generally easier to seduce, because you aren't competing for them with every other single person on earth. You're only competing with their spouse.
 

STEP 3: SELL YOURSELF- No, not as a REAL prostitute. Put up flyers around a rich neighborhood advertising yourself as something only reach people have- a chauffeur, a maid/butler, a pool boy, a gardener. Be sure to sell yourself for minimum wage or less- rich people may have a lot of money, but that doesn't mean they aren't cheap. Besides, this job isn't REALLY how you're going to be making your money. This job is how you're going to meet that rich married person, giving you an excuse to spend all your time with them without raising any eyebrows.

STEP 4: BE A TERRIBLE PERSON- Casually mention how the rich married persons' wife/husband just doesn't appreciate what he/she has. Question whether monogamy is obsolete. Talk about how sad it is that passion doesn't last forever. You will form a connection. You will smush. The married rich person will most likely pay through the nose to make sure you keep your mouth shut. If they won't you can sell your story to a tabloid magazine and write a tell-all memoir about it. Either way, you will be set for life.

Congratulations! You now have what it takes to become a triflin' friend indeed. Go get someone to dig on.

Mad props to Michelle "Boner Champ" Wiltz for coming up with the idea  for today's post.