When you're unemployed, you have a lot of time on your hands. You also have no source of income. "Should I Bother" explores low cost ways of killing time, ultimately deciding whether they are worth getting out of bed for.
No. Do not bother with this movie.
I'm sure that not everybody will hate this movie as much as I did (I really fucking hated this movie), but I'm equally sure that no one will love this movie. This is why I'm going to outline some of the film's qualities you might THINK would make this movie worth your time and suggest better ways to see those same things.
Penelope Cruz is So Hot it's Stupid- watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I haven't actually seen this movie, but I know she makes out with Scarlett Johanssen in it. So it has that going for it. And really, if you want to see Penelope Cruz looking ridiculously hot, you can watch ANY OTHER MOVIE she is in without having to pay $14 for a movie ticket.
You Heard There Were Flesh-Eating Mermaids In It- That's true. There are flesh-eating mermaids. Sounds pretty cool, right? WELL IT ISN'T. Somehow it is boring. Even worse, one of the mermaids decides not to eat human flesh and falls in love with Philip, a boring missionary who likes being judgemental, giving long-winded rants about good and evil, and taking off his shirt. I can't think of any other movie about flesh-eating mermaids, but if you like watching people being eaten by sea creatures you could watch Jaws or Piranha 3D (or wait 61 days for SHARK WEEK).
You Like Movies about the Fountain of Youth- Seriously? I guess you could just watch Cocoon again, weirdo.
This is the First Pirates Movie in 3D- The only time you really notice that it's in 3D is when Barbosa is waving his sword around and it points directly at the viewer's face. Just go to the dollar store, buy a plastic sword, and have one of your friends wave it around in front of you. It's pretty much the same thing.
This is the First Pirates Movie Where a Character has a Wooden Leg- I realize this isn't really something that draws people to movies. I just wanted to point out that for the first time in a FRANCHISE ABOUT PIRATES one of the characters has a wooden leg. This is the most remarkable thing about the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
You Love Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow-Jack Sparrow is hands down the best part of the Pirates franchise. He more or less does the same shit in every movie, and it's always at least a little amusing. Here's the problem: Jack Sparrow is a pirate. By nature he is supposed to be unpredictable, but at this point we've seen so much of him, we always know what he's going to do. He's going to be a scoundrel, but he's going to end up doing the right thing and saving the day as usual. He has a few funny lines, but they aren't enough to make his character seem exciting anymore. If you want to watch Captain Jack Sparrow, just watch the first Pirates movie again. Johnny Depp gives such a good performance that he gets paid millions of dollars to do it again every 2 years.
BOTTOM LINE- Sleeping is more worth your time than Pirates of the Caribbean 4.
SHOULD I BOTHER WATCHING PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4?
No. Do not bother with this movie.
I'm sure that not everybody will hate this movie as much as I did (I really fucking hated this movie), but I'm equally sure that no one will love this movie. This is why I'm going to outline some of the film's qualities you might THINK would make this movie worth your time and suggest better ways to see those same things.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE...
Penelope Cruz is So Hot it's Stupid- watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I haven't actually seen this movie, but I know she makes out with Scarlett Johanssen in it. So it has that going for it. And really, if you want to see Penelope Cruz looking ridiculously hot, you can watch ANY OTHER MOVIE she is in without having to pay $14 for a movie ticket.
You Heard There Were Flesh-Eating Mermaids In It- That's true. There are flesh-eating mermaids. Sounds pretty cool, right? WELL IT ISN'T. Somehow it is boring. Even worse, one of the mermaids decides not to eat human flesh and falls in love with Philip, a boring missionary who likes being judgemental, giving long-winded rants about good and evil, and taking off his shirt. I can't think of any other movie about flesh-eating mermaids, but if you like watching people being eaten by sea creatures you could watch Jaws or Piranha 3D (or wait 61 days for SHARK WEEK).
You Like Movies about the Fountain of Youth- Seriously? I guess you could just watch Cocoon again, weirdo.
This is the First Pirates Movie in 3D- The only time you really notice that it's in 3D is when Barbosa is waving his sword around and it points directly at the viewer's face. Just go to the dollar store, buy a plastic sword, and have one of your friends wave it around in front of you. It's pretty much the same thing.
This is the First Pirates Movie Where a Character has a Wooden Leg- I realize this isn't really something that draws people to movies. I just wanted to point out that for the first time in a FRANCHISE ABOUT PIRATES one of the characters has a wooden leg. This is the most remarkable thing about the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
You Love Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow-Jack Sparrow is hands down the best part of the Pirates franchise. He more or less does the same shit in every movie, and it's always at least a little amusing. Here's the problem: Jack Sparrow is a pirate. By nature he is supposed to be unpredictable, but at this point we've seen so much of him, we always know what he's going to do. He's going to be a scoundrel, but he's going to end up doing the right thing and saving the day as usual. He has a few funny lines, but they aren't enough to make his character seem exciting anymore. If you want to watch Captain Jack Sparrow, just watch the first Pirates movie again. Johnny Depp gives such a good performance that he gets paid millions of dollars to do it again every 2 years.
BOTTOM LINE- Sleeping is more worth your time than Pirates of the Caribbean 4.
No comments:
Post a Comment