Good news! I've successfully turned my resume into something that tricks employers into thinking I have something to offer. As a result, I've landed 2 (count 'em, 2!) job interviews for the day.
Even for competent workers, job interviews can be pretty stressful. You have a very short amount of time to convince a stranger that you're incredible. This starts with you. You need to believe that you are amazing. Remember that scene in Space Jam where Michael Jordan tells the looney toons that he's giving them some sort of talent juice to make them good at basketball, but it's really just water? It turned out the toons already HAD the talent they needed to beat the alien basketball team (the Monstars)... they just needed to believe in themselves, and Michael's little trick gave them the confidence they needed.
You're not a cartoon. You don't have the time or the resources to kidnap Michael Jordan. Where do you get YOUR confidence?
MUSIC. Do you really think Michael Jordan could have made that game-winning slam dunk if "I Believe I Can Fly" wasn't playing in the background? You need your own inspirational music. Here are 5 songs guaranteed to give you the confidence needed to touch the sky.
1. Monster by Kanye West- A man who refers to himself as the "best living or dead hands-down" knows a thing or two about confidence. Your interviewer doesn't need to know that you've spent the past few weeks in your boxer shorts eating poptarts and keeping up with Kardashians. They need to know that you're a mothafuckin monstah.
2. Bootylicious by Destiny's Child- Worried about being under-qualified for a job? After listening to this song, the only thing you'll worry about is being TOO qualified. Can the company handle you, or are your vibes to vibe-alicious for them? You could also impress potential employers with this power move: Show up to the interview 15 minutes late. Explain to your interviewer that you didn't think they were ready for your jelly. POW POW POW POW!
3. The Pokemon Theme Song- Why? Because you want to be the very best. Like no one ever was. Also this song has great (poorly translated from Japanese) messages, as displayed in these lyrics: Every challenge along the way/ with courage I will face/ I will battle everyday/ To claim my rightful place! The interviewer will have no choice but to choose you.
4. Move Bitch by Ludacris- You're on the fast-track to corporate success. Anybody doing the speed limit had better GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR WAY or they'll GET RAN THE FUCK OVER.
5. A Milli by Lil Wayne- Mothafucka, you're ill. Also, if the interviewer asks you if you have any special skills, steal this lyric of Weezy's: "Bitch, I could turn a crack rock into a mountain. DARE ME."
Heed my advice. Download these songs. Prepare to be a young money millionaire.
Even for competent workers, job interviews can be pretty stressful. You have a very short amount of time to convince a stranger that you're incredible. This starts with you. You need to believe that you are amazing. Remember that scene in Space Jam where Michael Jordan tells the looney toons that he's giving them some sort of talent juice to make them good at basketball, but it's really just water? It turned out the toons already HAD the talent they needed to beat the alien basketball team (the Monstars)... they just needed to believe in themselves, and Michael's little trick gave them the confidence they needed.
You're not a cartoon. You don't have the time or the resources to kidnap Michael Jordan. Where do you get YOUR confidence?
MUSIC. Do you really think Michael Jordan could have made that game-winning slam dunk if "I Believe I Can Fly" wasn't playing in the background? You need your own inspirational music. Here are 5 songs guaranteed to give you the confidence needed to touch the sky.
1. Monster by Kanye West- A man who refers to himself as the "best living or dead hands-down" knows a thing or two about confidence. Your interviewer doesn't need to know that you've spent the past few weeks in your boxer shorts eating poptarts and keeping up with Kardashians. They need to know that you're a mothafuckin monstah.
2. Bootylicious by Destiny's Child- Worried about being under-qualified for a job? After listening to this song, the only thing you'll worry about is being TOO qualified. Can the company handle you, or are your vibes to vibe-alicious for them? You could also impress potential employers with this power move: Show up to the interview 15 minutes late. Explain to your interviewer that you didn't think they were ready for your jelly. POW POW POW POW!
3. The Pokemon Theme Song- Why? Because you want to be the very best. Like no one ever was. Also this song has great (poorly translated from Japanese) messages, as displayed in these lyrics: Every challenge along the way/ with courage I will face/ I will battle everyday/ To claim my rightful place! The interviewer will have no choice but to choose you.
4. Move Bitch by Ludacris- You're on the fast-track to corporate success. Anybody doing the speed limit had better GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR WAY or they'll GET RAN THE FUCK OVER.
5. A Milli by Lil Wayne- Mothafucka, you're ill. Also, if the interviewer asks you if you have any special skills, steal this lyric of Weezy's: "Bitch, I could turn a crack rock into a mountain. DARE ME."
Heed my advice. Download these songs. Prepare to be a young money millionaire.
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