THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

Since quitting my job last Thursday, I've been spending AT LEAST 2 hours a day applying to jobs. I have yet to get one.

When everywhere you apply to doesn't want you, what do you do? Do you let the constant rejection you've been facing cause you to re-examine your life, to really look inside yourself and honestly consider your best and worst qualities so as to determine what you need to change about yourself to become more desirable to potential employers? NO! Instead of re-inventing yourself to be a perfect fit for a job, invent a job that's a perfect fit for you. You're not being lazy or unrealistic. You're being an entrepreneur.

So what do you like? What are you good at? The crazier the job sounds, the better. The more ridiculous it sounds, the less likely it is that other people will be able to do it. I'm going to give you a few examples of perfect jobs for ME along with the reasoning behind them. Use these examples as a template to come up with the perfect job for you.

JOB: Creator/Star of a reality-show version of Scooby Doo

WHY: You don't need a good idea to create a reality show. You just need an idea original enough to attract viewers but familiar enough that producers won't think investing in it is risky. Scooby Doo is a familiar brand, and as of yet, there are no shows about a group of hippies and a dog driving around in a van, exploring abandoned amusement parks (although Ghost Hunters is kind of similar). I'd be a perfect real-life version of Shaggy. I'm great with dogs, I look good in bell bottoms, and I'd probably spend way more time looking for sandwiches than trying to solve mysteries. ZOINKS!

JOB: James Franco Double

WHY: James Franco is famous for doing billions of things at once. If he keeps going at the rate he has been, he's going to need the ability to be in two places at the same time. Until he invents cloning, this is an impossibility. He needs another version of himself. I realize that I look nothing like James Franco, but that doesn't matter. At this point, the man is a legend- people will believe any weird thing you say about him. I'll just tell people that The Franco appears in different forms to different people- To some, he takes the appearance of a ruggedly handsome man. To others, he appears in the form of a goofy-looking girl. Sure, it's crazy... CRAZY LIKE A FRANCO.

JOB: Substitute Earl for Odd Future

WHY: OFWGKTA has had a vacancy ever since Earl Sweatshirt's mom grounded him and told him he couldn't be in the band anymore (or something). Not only am I a phenomenal rapper, I'm too old for my mom to tell me who I can and can't hang out with or which controversial rap groups I can and can't be a part of. Admittedly, Earl uses a lot of words that I wouldn't be comfortable saying, but I could just use creative substitutes. For example, instead of saying "Fuck that faggot shit, my niggers on that savage shit",  I would say "Fuck that ferret shit, my tigers on that savage shit". Not only are the lyrics a little nicer, but now people who don't like ferrets will be more inclined to listen to Odd Future.

JOB: Traveling Bard

WHY: Hipsters have a bizarre tendency to be nostalgic for things they've never actually experienced. This is why they listen to vinyl records, sport 19th century facial hair, and bitch about how New York isn't as edgy and dangerous as it used to be. Hipsters also have a tendency to spend their money on stupid outdated shit, like fanny packs or beepers that can be worn ironically. It stands to reason that pretentious posers would shell out some serious cash to experience the most ancient form of storytelling (if only so that they could bring it up to make somebody feel guilty about buying a Kindle or something). I would make a great traveling bard because I'm a good storyteller and because I'm homeless.

JOB: Entrepreneurial Entrepreneur

WHY: All of these jobs ideas are brilliant. Clearly, I have a knack for this. If you need someone to help you come up with a unique business venture for yourself, I'll do it for you. You don't have to pay me up front, but you will have to give me 15% of every million you make. And if you follow the career path I set out for you, you WILL become a multimillionaire, much like I will as soon as Scooby Doo but for Realsies debuts on the Travel Channel.