It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post. This is partially because of my extremely limited computer access and partially because the current state of my life is shameful… it’s not something I want to think about, let alone write about. Last night, however, something happened to me that I had to write about. Last night, I saw the personification of evil. I was shaken to my very core, forced to wonder what kind of a god would allow a man so terrible to walk the earth. This man is a shitty New York City DJ.
DJ Fuckface (probably not his real name) looks about nineteen. He is white, but he loves Japanese house music. He has an entourage that includes a skinny white guy in a flannel shirt whose job is to stand behind DJ Fuckface while frowning and nodding his head to the music and a man whose job is to inexplicably wear face paint while dancing directly in front of the DJ booth. He will play songs you’ve never heard by bands you’ve never heard of in languages that you don’t understand. He will roll his eyes at you if try to make a request.DJ Fuckface does not care if you have fun. DJ Fuckface does not care about his responsibility to entertain the people who were unfortunate enough to stumble into the club he’s spinning at. He does not understand the fundamental rules of being a DJ.
DJ Fuckface (probably not his real name) looks about nineteen. He is white, but he loves Japanese house music. He has an entourage that includes a skinny white guy in a flannel shirt whose job is to stand behind DJ Fuckface while frowning and nodding his head to the music and a man whose job is to inexplicably wear face paint while dancing directly in front of the DJ booth. He will play songs you’ve never heard by bands you’ve never heard of in languages that you don’t understand. He will roll his eyes at you if try to make a request.DJ Fuckface does not care if you have fun. DJ Fuckface does not care about his responsibility to entertain the people who were unfortunate enough to stumble into the club he’s spinning at. He does not understand the fundamental rules of being a DJ.
Going out in Manhattan is expensive. It’s not something that a poor person can do often, so when they go out, they have to make it count.
I’m going to post the most important rules of being a DJ, and I urge you to pass them on to anybody with connections to the club scene. Broke people shouldn’t have to live in fear of spending money to go into a club only to end up being forced to listen to a solid hour of Russian trance music. Terrible DJs must be stopped.
THE RULES ALL DJS MUST FOLLOW
1. PAY ATTENTION TO THE DANCE FLOOR: Are ladies shaking their asses/showing you what they’re working with? Great! You’re doing your job! The most important part of being a DJ is getting the girls to dance. The rest will take care of itself (and by “the rest” I mean dudes joining in and/or making it rain in the club). Conversely, if you look on the dance floor and the only people moving are the skinny white dudes in the non-prescription oversized glasses, you are a failure. Nobody likes whatever you’re playing, and the skinny white dudes are only dancing to it to act like they’ve totally heard this song before (they haven’t).
2. RESPECT THE CLASSICS: DJ Fuckface did not play Thriller last night. Instead he teased us by playing the opening bars of Thriller and following it with three minutes of Vincent Price laughing over a techno beat. Thriller is one of the greatest, most danceable pop songs of all time. It does not need to be remixed. Michael Jackson is the king of pop. You are a douchebag with a turntable.Leave his shit alone.
As a general rule, if the song has been playing in clubs for over a decade, you should leave it alone. If it’s remained a staple for so long, it means people like it the way it is.
And for the love of god, NEVER remix “Don’t Stop Believin’” unless you’re trying to turn an entire crowd of drunk people against you.
3. TAKE REQUESTS: Last night, I requested Dance (Ass). DJ Fuckface was not pleased. He looked at me like I had just requested Mambo No. 5 instead of the club banger to end all club bangers. After an hour he still hadn’t played it, so somebody else requested it. This infuriated DJ Fuckface. He punished us by playing ONLY the Rick Ross verse in the remix. There was no wobbledy wop.
If you’re going to be a DJ, drunk girls are going to request trashy dance jams. Do not be annoyed by this. Do not act like taking requests is beneath you. A big part of your job is keeping the drunk girls happy (see rule one), and making requests is just them showing you the way.
4. KNOW YOUR PLACE: You are an entertainer. People don’t go to clubs to hear your favorite songs. They go out to drink and dance. If your favorite songs are songs they want to drink and dance to, that’s great. If you’re playing your favorite songs and people are standing still and glaring at you, you need to play something else. I suggest Dance (Ass) Remix.
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