Remember when you left for college? You had big dreams! And now, well... you've hardly set the world on fire. Face it kid: your dreams were stupid. But you'll be ok. Once a week, I'll help you to numb the slow-burning pain of failure in a segment called "Coming to Terms with Your Broken Dreams".
It may seem like a lifetime ago, but there was a time when you were not a waste of human life. There was a time when walking to the store to buy poptarts because you were out of poptarts was just a small part of your day... not what your whole day was leading up to. Good news: nobody has to know that you don't do anything ever. You can convince yourself that what you're doing isn't pointless. This starts with denial. All you need to do is mentally add some razzle-dazzle to the mundane parts of your day. Let me show you what I mean:
Instead of watching a Frasier marathon, you: spent three hours observing the lives of psychiatrists, noting the irony that students of the human mind have plenty of their own complex mental issues.
Instead of eating a bag of Doritos, you: celebrated a modern twist on a classic Tex-Mex dish.
Instead of playing Call of Duty Black Ops (Zombie Mode) for 4 hours, you: conditioned your brain to be ready for a Zombie Apocalypse by exploring various video simulations.
Instead of wandering aimlessly around the neighborhood just to get out of your fucking house for a few minutes, you: took a little time to appreciate the local flora and fauna, to stop and smell the roses.
Instead of going on Facebook to confirm your suspicions that all of your friends are having more fun than you, you: took advantage of social media, appreciating the ease with which it allows you to connect with those who matter to you.
Do you understand? You don't have to do productive things. You have to trick yourself into believing that what you're doing is productive. I'd teach you more, but I must be off... my brain is not as prepared for the impending Zombie Apocalypse as it could be.
Oh, and just so you know... your friends are all definitely having more fun than you.
It may seem like a lifetime ago, but there was a time when you were not a waste of human life. There was a time when walking to the store to buy poptarts because you were out of poptarts was just a small part of your day... not what your whole day was leading up to. Good news: nobody has to know that you don't do anything ever. You can convince yourself that what you're doing isn't pointless. This starts with denial. All you need to do is mentally add some razzle-dazzle to the mundane parts of your day. Let me show you what I mean:
Instead of watching a Frasier marathon, you: spent three hours observing the lives of psychiatrists, noting the irony that students of the human mind have plenty of their own complex mental issues.
Instead of eating a bag of Doritos, you: celebrated a modern twist on a classic Tex-Mex dish.
Instead of playing Call of Duty Black Ops (Zombie Mode) for 4 hours, you: conditioned your brain to be ready for a Zombie Apocalypse by exploring various video simulations.
Instead of wandering aimlessly around the neighborhood just to get out of your fucking house for a few minutes, you: took a little time to appreciate the local flora and fauna, to stop and smell the roses.
Instead of going on Facebook to confirm your suspicions that all of your friends are having more fun than you, you: took advantage of social media, appreciating the ease with which it allows you to connect with those who matter to you.
Do you understand? You don't have to do productive things. You have to trick yourself into believing that what you're doing is productive. I'd teach you more, but I must be off... my brain is not as prepared for the impending Zombie Apocalypse as it could be.
Oh, and just so you know... your friends are all definitely having more fun than you.
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