Remember when you left for college? You had big dreams! And now, well... you've hardly set the world on fire. Face it kid: your dreams were stupid. But you'll be ok. Once a week, I'll help you to numb the slow-burning pain of failure in a segment called "Coming to Terms with Your Broken Dreams".
When a homeless person asks you for money, what do you tell yourself to justify not giving a single penny to this human being in desperate need of some compassion? They'll probably only use my money to buy booze. While not all homeless people are alcoholics, we've all seen someone who can't afford real shoes drowning their sorrows on the side of the street. Homeless people know a thing or two about broken dreams, which means YOU could stand to learn something from them... What is the most cost-effective way to numb the slow-burning pain of failure using alcohol?
4Loko? It's cheap, has a super high alcohol content, and I'd imagine if broken dreams had a taste, that taste would be similar to 4Loko. However, choosing this drink would be a mistake. Drinks like 4Loko are too extreme. They won't numb your pain... they will blast it away for a few hours. So you'll have a few hours of blacked-out bliss, but your pain will come back 10X stronger than it was before, and it will be combined with a headache, a stomach ache, and burps that taste like an evil jolly-rancher.
Cheap liquor (like Burnett's Vodka)? If you're planning on mixing it with something, this wouldn't be the worst choice (but you would have to shell out extra cash on mixers). Drinking it straight might seem like the economical choice, but doing this would be a mistake. Odds are, you don't have health insurance, and if you're sitting around chugging straight vodka, you are definitely going to get alcohol poisoning. Not only are you still a loser, you have to pay hospital bills.
Cheap wine? I guess that's ok... If you want to be a pussy your whole life.
The best way to numb your pain with alcohol for cheap is with 40s. Whether it is a 40 of beer or a 40 of malt liquor is up to you. 40 oz containers of beer and malt liquor will not send you to the hospital or cause you to black out. They will give you a slight buzz that will slowly make you feel like less of a failure. This buzz will wear off gradually, so it won't be such a harsh awakening when you realize you're still a failure. The best part? 40s fit perfectly in a brown paper bag, so you can drink outside in the middle of the afternoon without getting arrested.
Now do yourself a favor, and buy a 40! And maybe on the way back give your change to a homeless person... it's the least you could do, considering the important lesson they taught you about cost effective boozing.
When a homeless person asks you for money, what do you tell yourself to justify not giving a single penny to this human being in desperate need of some compassion? They'll probably only use my money to buy booze. While not all homeless people are alcoholics, we've all seen someone who can't afford real shoes drowning their sorrows on the side of the street. Homeless people know a thing or two about broken dreams, which means YOU could stand to learn something from them... What is the most cost-effective way to numb the slow-burning pain of failure using alcohol?
4Loko? It's cheap, has a super high alcohol content, and I'd imagine if broken dreams had a taste, that taste would be similar to 4Loko. However, choosing this drink would be a mistake. Drinks like 4Loko are too extreme. They won't numb your pain... they will blast it away for a few hours. So you'll have a few hours of blacked-out bliss, but your pain will come back 10X stronger than it was before, and it will be combined with a headache, a stomach ache, and burps that taste like an evil jolly-rancher.
Cheap liquor (like Burnett's Vodka)? If you're planning on mixing it with something, this wouldn't be the worst choice (but you would have to shell out extra cash on mixers). Drinking it straight might seem like the economical choice, but doing this would be a mistake. Odds are, you don't have health insurance, and if you're sitting around chugging straight vodka, you are definitely going to get alcohol poisoning. Not only are you still a loser, you have to pay hospital bills.
Cheap wine? I guess that's ok... If you want to be a pussy your whole life.
The best way to numb your pain with alcohol for cheap is with 40s. Whether it is a 40 of beer or a 40 of malt liquor is up to you. 40 oz containers of beer and malt liquor will not send you to the hospital or cause you to black out. They will give you a slight buzz that will slowly make you feel like less of a failure. This buzz will wear off gradually, so it won't be such a harsh awakening when you realize you're still a failure. The best part? 40s fit perfectly in a brown paper bag, so you can drink outside in the middle of the afternoon without getting arrested.
Now do yourself a favor, and buy a 40! And maybe on the way back give your change to a homeless person... it's the least you could do, considering the important lesson they taught you about cost effective boozing.
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