CELEBRITY GROW UP! GET A JOB!: OPRAH

Several of today's celebrities are in desperate need of career counseling. This is why once a week I will provide some good old-fashioned (unsolicited) advice to a star in need.  

Before I begin, I want to make something clear:  Oprah does not need my advice. I'm sure that whatever she spends her time doing instead of her talk show will be Omazing. I just hope(rah) that before she begins her next big project she considers EVERY POSSIBLE OPTION, because when it comes to Captain O-Town (that's what I call her when we hang out), not even the sky is the limit. This brings me to the first of five suggestions as to what she should do...

5. Go to the Moon- Because why not.

4. Buy a 3rd World Country- Oprah is all about helping the poor. She already runs a small empire. Taking over a 3rd world country wouldn't be that much of a stretch for her, career-wise. And I guarantee that Ethioprah (or whatever she ends up naming her country) would become more powerful than China within 3 months.

3. Slut it up- You never hear about Oprah getting with anybody. She's not exactly a sex symbol, but plenty of broke, hot, wannabe stars (or starlets, if Oprah swings that way) would be happy to mack it with The Big O for a taste of the limelight.  Imagine going on TMZ one day seeing a video of a drunk Oprah stumbling out of a club at 3 am with a barely-legal hottie. #winfreying

2. Become a Hip-Hop Artist- She's richer than Hov and Diddy put together, and all THEY ever do is rap about how rich they are.

1. Get fat as hell- Oprah is at constant battle with her weight. Even with a personal trainer and private chef, she's got a little extra junk in her trunk. Oprah is never going to be skinny. Why not just get really fat? She can afford to eat ANYTHING. She could pay to have people bake and serve her a fresh cake every hour on the hour for the rest of her life if she wanted to. And I don't know about you, but I prefer fat Oprah to skinny Oprah... Her struggle with weight gain is the only thing about her that makes her relatable to mere mortals. She should eat whatever the fuck she wants. She's earned it.

Who knows? Maybe she'll end up taking ALL of my suggestions. If anyone could do all of these things at once, it is The Oprah.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR BRAIN FROM ROTTING

The human brain is like.... eh.

When you're unemployed, you rarely have to do things that require thought. After long periods of inactivity, the mind will melt away, like a banana in a hurricane. That analogy, like Helen Keller, was completely senseless. If you don't use your brain, it will turn to mush, like some other thing that is also mushy. As you can see, it's too late for me. My mind is gone, but there's still hope for you. Read on to learn how to keep your brain alive.

DO NOT GO ON YOUTUBE- It starts off innocently enough- you just wanted to check out a music video. You notice on the right side of your screen a link to a video that has a cute animal in it. You will be tempted to click it, but you must not. On average, cute animal (or baby) videos kill approximately 10 brain cells per viewing. The more adorable the video, the more of a danger it is to your brain cells. The same basic principle applies to videos of people getting hurt, farting, or dancing (only in this case, the fatter the person, the more dangerous the video). If you find yourself posting comments on videos, you'll know your brain has been irreparably damaged.

DO NOT WATCH DAYTIME TV- It is an indisputable fact that watching anything that airs on basic cable between the hours of 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. will make you stupid.

GET A HOBBY- But hobbies are for losers, you might be thinking. Well guess what, Bucko... you're a loser now! You don't even wear pants anymore, for crying out loud! You need to find something to do with yourself! I recommend choosing some form of exercise as a hobby, because you're probably fat now from all the Doritos, cheap booze, and video games.

GO OUTSIDE- Not only because a little fresh air and sunshine will awaken your senses, but because you probably smell terrible from wearing the same clothes and sitting on your ass all week... you could stand to air out a little.

KEEP LOOKING FOR WORK- We both know you're worthless. You'll need to trick people into thinking you're capable of doing things. That's going to require some brain power. Also, looking for work reinforces the idea that you're not going to be unemployed forever. At some point, you will re-enter society. There's hope for you yet, if you can keep your brain (or what's left of it) alive.

Heed my advice! If you don't, you'll become totally useless, like an Apple store in Amish country. Or some other thing that is also useless.

YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS NOT THAT AWESOME

As your life becomes increasingly complicated, you might start to wish you could go back to the days when you had no responsibilities, when Hey Arnold! was on all the time, and when buying candy was your top financial priority. If you ever feel like talking about how much you miss your childhood, DON'T. Nostalgia is annoying. Here are 5 reasons your childhood was not as awesome as you think it was:

5. You were stupid looking- Take out your middle school yearbook. What do the goths, nerds, losers, and cool kids have in common? They all look terrible. Look at your picture. Your clothes are ridiculous. You  have (or need) braces. Your hair is inexplicable. MAYBE you were cute in elementary school, but as a rule, between the ages of 11-16 you look horrendous. Even if you live to be 100, you'll never look as stupid as you did back then.

4. Your favorite shows now are better than your favorite shows then- Yes, we all loved Doug, but try to watch it now... You might get through one or two episodes (it's still a pretty enjoyable show), but wouldn't you rather be watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Mad Men? And don't say "They don't make shows like ______ anymore" because they do. You're just too mature to appreciate them.

3. The internet was slow as shit- Imagine you're 12 years old. You want to listen to, I don't know, Clay Aiken's performance of "Build Me Up Buttercup" from last night's American Idol. You have dial-up internet, so you have to explain to your mom that she won't be able to make or receive phone calls for at least the next hour. Youtube doesn't exist yet, so you open Kazaa and search for your file. A half hour later you find it and start downloading. As you wait, you talk to your BFF on AIM, who tells you they heard that the person you like like only likes you as a friend. Bummer. Perhaps an upbeat rendition of an old pop tune would make you feel better! Too bad the song is only 5% downloaded. By the time the song has downloaded, it's your brother's turn to use the computer. You don't have an iPod yet, and you don't have a blank CD, so you have no way of listening to the song now. Sad story. But that sort of thing will never happen to you again.

2. You had no control over your diet- It didn't matter if you were in the mood for pasta, or if you didn't like meat loaf. You ate what your parents made you. End of story. Now, if you want to eat ice cream for dinner, YOU CAN. You don't have to ask your mom if you can get candy at the store... you just buy it and enjoy it whenever you feel like it. Yes, it sucks that you have to buy your own food, but at least you're in control. No more casseroles unless YOU WANT casserole.

1. The F-Word was your enemy- There's no getting around it... "fuck" is a wonderful word. You can't use it all the time, but you CAN use it without fear of being sent to your room without dessert. You CAN go to movies that use that word more than three times without having to beg your parents to buy tickets for you. The next time something makes you angry, shout "FUCK!". You've earned that right. You deserve it. It will make you feel better. The best part? Now that you're an adult, not only can you SAY the F-Word, you can go out and FIND someone to F-word... provided you stop talking about how awesome your Pokemon card collection was and start appreciating adulthood.

CASE OF THE MONDAYS: PANTS

When you're unemployed, time has no meaning. You have nothing to do and nowhere to be. People with jobs hate Mondays because they kick off the work week, requiring them to be at a specific place at a specific time ready to do a specific thing. People without jobs hate Mondays because they serve as a reminder of what their lives were like when they were functioning members of society. This is why once a week I will explore one of the benefits of unemployment in a segment called "Case of the Mondays".

YOUR WHOLE LIFE JUST BECAME "PANTS OPTIONAL"

People with jobs have to look presentable.

But you don't have a job. This rule does not apply to you.

When you don't have a job, there's nothing stopping you from wearing your favorite hoodie and a pair of boxer shorts virtually every day. If for some reason you have to go outside (for instance if you run out of that store-brand cereal you've been living on), you can pull a pair of sweatpants on over your boxer shorts. They don't even have to be clean!

The next time one of your employed friends talks about something they were able to buy with the paycheck they worked for, smile politely. Pretend to be happy for them. Sure, they have money, but you have FREEDOM. The freedom to not wear pants.

When Patrick Henry said "Give me liberty or give me death", he was talking about the right to a pants-free life. If you're unemployed, be proud to drop trou. You're not a disgusting bum- you're a Pantsless Patriot.

REGARDING THE RAPTURE

Welp. You're still here. Still unemployed. The world didn't end. Congratulations, I guess. What are you doing reading this? I know you have important things to do... that box of Cap'n Crunch isn't going to eat itself.

Don't worry, my fellow hopeless bums. We've still got 2012. And when have the Mayans ever been wrong about anything?

Until then, the job hunt continues.

COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR BROKEN DREAMS: DENIAL

Remember when you left for college? You had big dreams! And now, well... you've hardly set the world on fire. Face it kid: your dreams were stupid. But you'll be ok. Once a week, I'll help you to numb the slow-burning pain of failure in a segment called "Coming to Terms with Your Broken Dreams".

It may seem like a lifetime ago, but there was a time when you were not a waste of human life. There was a time when walking to the store to buy poptarts because you were out of poptarts was just a small part of your day... not what your whole day was leading up to. Good news: nobody has to know that you don't do anything ever. You can convince yourself that what you're doing isn't pointless. This starts with denial. All you need to do is mentally add some razzle-dazzle to the mundane parts of your day. Let me show you what I mean:

Instead of watching a Frasier marathon, you: spent three hours observing the lives of psychiatrists, noting the irony that students of the human mind have plenty of their own complex mental issues.

Instead of eating a bag of Doritos, you: celebrated a modern twist on a classic Tex-Mex dish.

Instead of playing Call of Duty Black Ops (Zombie Mode) for 4 hours, you: conditioned your brain to be ready for a Zombie Apocalypse by exploring various video simulations.

Instead of wandering aimlessly around the neighborhood just to get out of your fucking house for a few minutes, you: took a little time to appreciate the local flora and fauna, to stop and smell the roses.

Instead of going on Facebook to confirm your suspicions that all of your friends are having more fun than you, you: took advantage of social media, appreciating the ease with which it allows you to connect with those who matter to you.

Do you understand? You don't have to do productive things. You have to trick yourself into believing that what you're doing is productive. I'd teach you more, but I must be off... my brain is not as prepared for the impending Zombie Apocalypse as it could be.

Oh, and just so you know... your friends are all definitely having more fun than you.

IT COULD BE WORSE

Hey. Heeeeeeey. I know things are hard for you, Unemployed Person. All of your friends with jobs are looking forward to the weekend, and you barely know what day of the week it is (Thursday). Your friends are deciding which bar to go to tonight, and you're deciding which flavor of Doritos you want to eat for dinner (Cool Ranch). Yes, things are rough. But they could be worse. Here's a list of 5 jobs that are more depressing than being unemployed.

5. A Crack Whore- Because you're trading sex for crack.

4. Hoda Kotb- Because she co-hosts the last hour of The Today Show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Her whole job is shouting whatever's on the teleprompter as a drunk Kathie Lee runs around berating her and doing whatever the hell she wants.

3. The President- Because no matter what you do, half of the country will hate you. And imagine the stress of straightening out a country that's more of a tangled mess than Ke$ha's hair (aw $nap!).

2. A Stripper Working the Tuesday Afternoon Shift- Because not only are you a stripper, you're a terrible stripper. Plus, think about the kind of people who would go to strip clubs on a weekday afternoon. Yikes.

1. Batman- Because you're a millionaire, but you can't even enjoy it. You have to use that money to build these crazy crime-fighting contraptions. A piece of your heart was blasted away by the same gun that murdered your parents all those years ago. You don a silly costume night after night as you beat criminals within an inch of their lives, hoping against hope it will fill that hole in your heart. But guess what? That hole can never be filled. Also, how much of a dick is The Joker?

There you have it. You have no money, prospects, or anything resembling a social life, but you're not a crack whore. So you've got that going for you.

CELEBRITY GROW UP! GET A JOB!: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Several of today's celebrities are in desperate need of career counseling. They need our help. This is why once a week I will provide some good old-fashioned (unsolicited) advice to a star in need.  

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the real world equivalent of Hansel from Zoolander... he's so hot right now. He just finished his last term as governor of California, he's the center of what is already being called the sex scandal of the year, and, perhaps best of all, he's back on the market. Like a futuristic cyborg on a mission, Arnold is unstoppable. What should he do with all this power? Here are a few suggestions...

5. Write a Tell-All Memoir- Let's face it- Maria Shriver's probably already penned a first draft of hers. Don't you want to hear both sides of the story? And for those of you who are worried Arnold might not be the best writer, I have two words: Audio Book.

4. Become an Exterminator- You know... because he used to be in the Terminator movies, making him an ex-terminator? Eh? Ehhh? Oh, shut up. You're not funny either.

3. Start Starring in Family Movies Again- Everybody agrees that Kindergarten Cop and Jingle All the Way were Schwarzenegger's most iconic films. Why not start making wacky movies the whole family can enjoy again? We know Arnold's a family man... that's why he has two of them.

2. Celebrity Fragrance- Usher, Diddy, and Donald Trump have 'em. And who wouldn't want to smell like a bodybuilder? Imagine the commercials for it: "Terminator... She'll be back."

1. Pageant Coach- Mr. Universe isn't technically a beauty pageant, but come on... it includes people walking around in outfits specifically designed to show off their hot bods which are being ranked by a panel of judges. It's pretty much the same thing. Arnold won the title of Mr. Universe decades ago, so he knows what it takes to be the best of the best. He should share that knowledge with beginners on the pageant circuit. I'm sure crazy parents would pay through the nose to have him teach their four year old beauty-queens-in-training how to appeal to judges. And how great would it be to see him on Toddlers and Tiaras? 

Whichever path he chooses, Arnold won't fail. To him,Americans are like Skynet in Terminator 2... he's got us by the balls.

THE TODAY SHOW... SHOULD I BOTHER?

When you're unemployed, you have a lot of time on your hands. You also have no source of income. "Should I Bother" explores low cost ways of killing time, ultimately deciding whether they are worth getting out of bed for.

  

SHOULD I BOTHER WATCHING THE TODAY SHOW? 

The Today Show is America's most popular morning news program, and it's 4 hours long. This means that you could kill one-sixth of your day learning about current events by watching it, right? Wrong. The Today Show is not really a news show. It spends about 5 minutes every hour reducing important stories to headlines before filling the rest of it with tabloid stories and/or stories about what's wrong with kids these days, fashion shows and/or cooking tips, and painful/forced conversation. See chart below:

 

If you're interested in making your baby look stylin' or listening to people speculate about celebrities, watching The Today Show wouldn't be the worst way for you to kill time. If you're not interested in either of those things (and you're awake before noon) you might as well be watching Maury- it's 10 times more entertaining, and almost as informative.

BOTTOM LINE: Sleeping is more worth your time than The Today Show.

JOB INTERVIEWS: WHEN SHOULD I LIE?

Author's Note: I have never lied at a job interview, and I never will. I am simply writing these tips for people who do not have as rich a work history as I do. Not everyone was a member of the Navy Seal team that got Bin Laden or helped to develop the AIDS vaccine.

SCENARIO 1: They want someone bilingual. You speak English and took a Spanish class in high school, but everything beyond how to count to 10 is a distant memory.
SHOULD I LIE? No.
WHY/WHY NOT? They will find out. You will look like an idiot, or as the Spanish say "el dumbasso". See? That wasn't even real Spanish. Not that it makes any difference to you, dumbass.

SCENARIO 2: They want someone with experience. You don't have it.
SHOULD I LIE? It depends on what the job is. Ask yourself if doing so could put your life or the lives of others at risk. A minimum wage waitressing gig? Lie. Electrician? Don't lie.
WHY/WHY NOT? You'll figure out how to be a waitress pretty quickly (and if you don't, the worst thing that will happen is you'll get fired). You won't figure out how to be an electrician (and if you try, you might die).

SCENARIO 3: They want somebody "passionate about ________". You do not give a shit about whatever _______ is.
SHOULD I LIE? Are you stupid? Yes!
WHY/WHY NOT? Oh, sweet unemployed person. Do you want this job? Then you have to at least pretend to care. Doing so will slowly chip away at your soul, but being able to afford food and a place to live will slightly numb the pain. Chances are you will spend much of your life pretending to care about something stupid as you become a corporate drone and your dreams become a distant memory. Is this sad? Yes. But it is less sad than homelessness. So stop being idealistic, and get a  fucking job. Dumbasso.

MAKING YOUR RESUMÉ AWESOMÉ: REASONS YOU LEFT YOUR LAST JOB

If you're reading this blog, chances are you don't exactly have the world swinging from your nuts. You're worried that nobody would want to hire a loser like you... and you're right. They don't. Luckily, you can trick employers into thinking you could actually be of use to them using your resumé.

WHAT TO WRITE AS THE REASON YOU LEFT YOUR LAST JOB

DON'T: say "I left my last job because it sucked." 

DO: say something that includes the phrase "lacked potential for career advancement".

BONUS POINTS: mention your respect for your previous boss. Even if he was kind of a dick.

DON'T: say "I was laid off."

DO: say something that includes the phrase "contract expired".

BONUS POINTS: allude to the bad economy.

DON'T: say "I was fired."

DO: say "I had no choice but to go rogue. Like Jack Bauer."

BONUS POINTS: make sure the phone number you give for your previous boss is out of service.

COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR BROKEN DREAMS: CHEAP BOOZE

Remember when you left for college? You had big dreams! And now, well... you've hardly set the world on fire. Face it kid: your dreams were stupid. But you'll be ok. Once a week, I'll help you to numb the slow-burning pain of failure in a segment called "Coming to Terms with Your Broken Dreams".

When a homeless person asks you for money, what do you tell yourself to justify not giving a single penny to this human being in desperate need of some compassion? They'll probably only use my money to buy booze. While not all homeless people are alcoholics, we've all seen someone who can't afford real shoes drowning their sorrows on the side of the street. Homeless people know a thing or two about broken dreams, which means YOU could stand to learn something from them... What is the most cost-effective way to numb the slow-burning pain of failure using alcohol?

4Loko? It's cheap, has a super high alcohol content, and I'd imagine if broken dreams had a taste, that taste would be similar to 4Loko. However, choosing this drink would be a mistake. Drinks like 4Loko are too extreme. They won't numb your pain... they will blast it away for a few hours. So you'll have a few hours of blacked-out bliss, but your pain will come back 10X stronger than it was before, and it will be combined with a headache, a stomach ache, and burps that taste like an evil jolly-rancher.


Cheap liquor (like Burnett's Vodka)? If you're planning on mixing it with something, this wouldn't be the worst choice (but you would have to shell out extra cash on mixers). Drinking it straight might seem like the economical choice, but doing this would be a mistake. Odds are, you don't have health insurance, and if you're sitting around chugging straight vodka, you are definitely going to get alcohol poisoning. Not only are you still a loser, you have to pay hospital bills.

Cheap wine? I guess that's ok... If you want to be a pussy your whole life.

The best way to numb your pain with alcohol for cheap is with 40s. Whether it is a 40 of beer or a 40 of malt liquor is up to you. 40 oz containers of beer and malt liquor will not send you to the hospital or cause you to black out. They will give you a slight buzz that will slowly make you feel like less of a failure. This buzz will wear off gradually, so it won't be such a harsh awakening when you realize you're still a failure. The best part? 40s fit perfectly in a brown paper bag, so you can drink outside in the middle of the afternoon without getting arrested.

Now do yourself a favor, and buy a 40! And maybe on the way back give your change to a homeless person... it's the least you could do, considering the important lesson they taught you about cost effective boozing.

CELEBRITY GROW UP! GET A JOB!: DONALD TRUMP

Several of today's celebrities are in desperate need of career counseling. They need our help. This is why once a week I will provide some good old-fashioned (unsolicited) advice to a star in need.  

Donald Trump seems to have it all... Buildings made of gold, a hit reality show, a fragrance sold at Macy's, a supermodel wife, and a head of hair so magnificent that it has its very own Facebook page. This is not enough for The Donald. He is dissatisfied to the point that he is threatening to run for president... if he can't be happy, he will make the entire United States miserable. Here is a list of 5 jobs Mr. Trump is perfectly suited for. Here's hoping he chooses one of these instead of prolonging his (and our) suffering by running for president.

5. Novelty Rapper: In the 90s, The Humpty Dance was a novelty rap sensation. Those days are long gone. It is time for The Trumpty Dance.

4. Star in a Crime Drama Series: Who got to the bottom of that whole Obama citizenship mystery? The Trumpster. His knack for solving mysteries and coming up with dope catchphrases makes him a natural for a starring role in a CSI type procedural. Criminals? (put sunglasses on) You're fired. YEEEEEEAH!!!

3. Start a Restaurant Chain: Like Hooters, but for Executives.

2. Start a Television Network: Like Oprah's network, but with less shows about preparing low calorie meals, and more shows about golf and boobs.

1. Buy an Island off of Costa Rica: Whether he chooses to build a dinosaur theme park or spend his days sipping tropical drinks while surrounded by women in bikinis is up to him. BUYING A PRIVATE ISLAND AND DOING WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT THERE IS THE ENTIRE POINT OF GETTING RICH. 

Donald Trump doesn't need to run for president of the United States. He needs to be emperor of his own private island. It's the only way he'll ever be happy.

MAKE UNEMPLOYMENT GLAMOROUS

When you're unemployed, you don't spend your days flying first class up in the sky, popping champagne and living your life in the fast lane. This doesn't mean you cannot be glamorous.

The answer is simple: don't tell people you don't have a job. Tell people you are an artist. Suddenly, you will no longer be a disgusting bum who is in no way qualified to contribute to the real world. You will be sexy, interesting, and oh-so-bohemian. It's not that you're too lazy to find a job- it's that you don't want to sell out. It's not that nobody wants to hire you- it's that nobody appreciates your brilliance. Drink cheap vodka, smoke cigarettes, hang out in coffee bars, and wear black all the time. Dudes- grow out your hair. Ladies- chop it all off. .

Too broke to buy art supplies? Become a poet. Words are free.

Either way, you are no longer a loser. You are deep. You are special. You are the flossy flossy. You are going to get laid constantly.

DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Deciding what to wear to a job interview can be pretty stressful. You need to find something that makes you feel confident and leaves a positive and lasting impression on your interviewer. Ladies and gentleman, look no further:

 

Good idea or BEST IDEA?! Nothing says "I'm a Go-Getter" like customized hot shorts! I suggest wearing pants over the shorts to the interview and ripping them off as you exit. Doing job interviews all day is super boring. If there's one thing interviewers love, it's the element of surprise.

Trust me. I'm unemployed.

CREEPY CRAIGSLIST JOB POST

What do employers and murderers have in common? They're using Craigslist to find you! The only website that can get you into a new apartment as easily as it can get you into a body bag, Craigslist is the internet's great melting pot. Generally speaking, people looking to murder you and defile your corpse use the personal ads section to entice you (usually with ab pics and/or promises of sensual rubdowns), but every now and then, Craigslist creepers sneak onto the job listings to attract their victims.

Enjoy today's Creepy Craigslist Job Post!

Club Job - Females (Providence)

Looking for a hot female to join me at strip clubs to have some dances and fun. You get paid to have some drinks and dances.Must be hot, sexy, bi or just curious. No expectations just enjoy watching you have fun with hot lap dances . Professional, white, good looking executive who has more fun at clubs with a fun girl along! Serious replies only and those with pictures, full physical descriptions and good reason why they should be hired.

Best of luck to the good looking executive! Here's hoping you find that curious and sexy lady you've been dreaming of (roofying)!

THE JOURNEY BEGINS

I've spent the past 4 years livin' the dream... I was a college student. I got to sleep in on weekdays, drink more than was reasonable, and occasionally eat pizza for 3 meals a day. Even better, I was a FILM MAJOR! I got to watch movies, play around with cameras, and dress up in silly costumes for class credit! One time I even got to write a paper about the Jackass trilogy! The icing on the cake: I went to school in New York City! Concrete Jungle where dreams are made of! For the past 4 years, there was nothing I couldn't do!

And now... it's over. I'm broke. I have no marketable skills. I have to move back in with my parents in Cranston, Rhode Island. My mission: make enough money to move back to New York and eventually make the big time. But before I can do that... I need to grow up and get a job.