WHAT DO YOU DO?

If you're unemployed/underemployed, chances are, you're anti-social. This is partially because you don't have any money to do anything, but largely because your life is an embarrassment. Meeting new people becomes a nightmare, because they will inevitably ask you what you do for a living. You might be tempted to answer honestly, saying something like "I DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!!" before bursting into tears.

Do not do this. There are 4 ways you can handle this question without looking like a loser.

DEALING WITH THE QUESTION: "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

METHOD 1: DEFLECTION- Smile and say "I think a better question is... what don't I do?" (bonus points if you suggestively waggle your eyebrows). You've taken the conversation into a completely different direction, and if you're at a bar, there's a strong chance you won't be paying for anything the rest of the evening.

METHOD 2: BE VAGUE- Be honest... sort of. 

• EXAMPLE 1: You work at McDonalds. Tell people you're a culinary specialist. No one needs to know McNuggets are your specialty.
• EXAMPLE 2: You're a cashier at Forever 21. Tell people you work in fashion. It's not your fault if whoever you tell that to assumes you mean something fancier. You're not a liar- they're just snooty.
• EXAMPLE 3: You don't have a job. Tell people you're an independent researcher. No one has to know your "research" is just you typing things like "watch How High free online" into your Google search bar.

METHOD 3: LIE- Face it kiddo, your life's a mess. It might be nice to pretend like it isn't for a little while. There are several ways this one can go wrong, making you seem even more pathetic than you would have if you just told the truth. If you choose this method, make sure you do the following:

• BE CERTAIN YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO SEE THIS PERSON AGAIN. The idea is that you escape your shitty life for a few hours, not that you end up leading a double life as a fake interior decorator.
• PICK SOMETHING KIND OF BORING: If you tell people that you're Beyonce's personal assistant, that's all they're going to want to talk about. If you tell people you're a tap dancer, they're going to want to see your moves (this actually happened to me once). When choosing a fake career, it's best to go dull but lucrative, like an accountant or a podiatrist. This way, they'll think you aren't a bum, and they won't want to hear details. 

METHOD 4: JUST DON'T GO OUT- Why bother putting pants on to go out and spend money you don't have when you can watch a Love and Hip Hop Atlanta marathon and cry into your cereal for free? We all know that's what you feel like doing anyway. 

Remember, you're only a loser if other people think you're a loser.*

*Just kidding, assface! You're totally still a loser. Now get a job before you become Karlie from LHHATL.

GOING 'TOPLESS & GETTIN TRASHY

The death of my laptop was slow and painful- in July 2011 its parts became mutinous, crippling it until late December, when its little laptop heart couldn't take the strain anymore and stopped beating (I don't understand how laptops work). I spent the next 8 months with incredibly limited computer access. I'd like to share some of the experiences I had in that time in a new weekly segment I'm calling "GOING 'TOPLESS". Because lapTOP?? And I didn't have one?? Ehhh???? You're not funny either.

I wasn't surprised when my laptop died- I had seen it coming for months. I actually thought it might be good for me- maybe if I stopped writing about farts on twitter, I'd do something meaningful with my time! I'd make more of an effort to see my friends in real life if I couldn't catch up with them on Facebook! Instead of spending hours watching Netflix on Demand, I'd read books! I could even learn another language! The death of my laptop would turn me into an amazing person!

To the surprise of exactly one person, none of those things happened. I realized that not having a laptop was going to suck about an hour after it died, when it occurred to me that I couldn't charge my iPod. I didn't have a tv or a radio, and soon, my iPod's battery would die. It would just be me, my apartment, and silence. All of a sudden, I became very aware of the sound of my own breath. Immediately I opened my window, hoping for the ambient noise of cars driving by or something. THERE WAS NOTHING. I decided to buy a radio the next day. 

Where I bought my radio

I bought a radio/alarm clock on Jamaica Ave for $9. We got off to a rough start- the reception wasn't great, and I was angry at it for playing Drake all the time. But it was all I had, and I listened to it every waking moment I spent in my apartment. I grew to like the way the static made any "s" sound into a "shhhhhh". "You washhhhhhhn't wit me shootin in the gym!" I'd shout along, deciding that Drake was amazing, and that I should definitely come up with a plan to make him my husband.

To the surprise of exactly one person, my $9 radio died 2 weeks later. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do- should I roll the dice on another cheap radio or invest in a decent one?

Fortunately, the gods of broke-assness were smiling upon me, and I would not be forced to make that decision.

The day after my radio died, I had to work a twelve hour shift at my minimum wage job. When I got out, I was exhausted. I had about 20 minutes of walking to do, and it looked like it was about to rain, so I was walking quickly. About five minutes in, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. It was a radio/cd/cassette player, the likes of which I hadn't seen since 1997 when my brother got one for Christmas (along with Big Willie Style on CD!!!). It was on the curb, next to trashcans. I couldn't believe my good luck. "Somebody's throwing this away??? People are crazy!!" I thought, as I stole trash.

Me.

During my walk home, it began to rain. I quickly wrapped it up in my coat to protect it. In January. I ran up the stairs to my apartment and plugged it into my wall, hoping against hope that it would work. 2 minutes later, Drake was telling me to "bus it". And it was good.

The next day, I told my younger brother about my big score. There was an extended pause before he said "Maybe you shouldn't be taking other people's trash." I could hear the judgement in his voice, but I shrugged it off and walked to CVS where I purchased a Michael Jackson CD and a bunch of blank cassettes, ready to rock out like it was the Willenium.

Woo! HaHAAA! HaHAAA!

CELEBRITY GROW UP GET A JOB: CLINT EASTWOOD

Many moons ago, when I was updating this shit on the regular, I had a weekly feature called "Celebrity Grow Up Get a Job" in which I came up with (HILARIOUS) career counseling for famous people. When Clint Eastwood gave his (HILARIOUS) speech at the Republican National Convention last week, I figured I'd give him some of my (HILARIOUS) advice.

(HILARIOUS)

I couldn't do it. Clint Eastwood is a BOSS. Not only is he one of America's best directors, he's DIRTY FUCKING HARRY, OKAY?? GET OFF HIS LAWN!

So he gave a dopey speech. So his own imagination told him to shut up... multiple times. Who cares? Clint Eastwood isn't running for anything. He doesn't wield any special political power- he's just a dude that can vote, and he happens to be voting Republican, like every other old rich white man ever.

Nobody in charge of the RNC should be surprised at Eastwood's speech. It was unrehearsed and unscripted. They handed an 82 year old man a microphone, and he proceeded to act like an 82 year old man. I don't see why this is a news story. I think that when people heard Clint Eastwood was speaking, they were expecting him to be more like Dirty Harry- a man of a few, well-chosen, bad-ass words. This is ridiculous for two reasons:

1. Dirty Harry is not real.
2. Dirty Harry was made over 40 years ago.

It's time to stop thinking of Clint Eastwood as a Dirty Harry style bad-ass, and to start thinking of him as America's bad-ass grandpa. Sure, he's a little crazy, but he's ours, you know? We'll put up with his rambling because of all he's given us. We'll love him even if he embarrasses us sometimes.

And did anyone actually watch the speech? The people in the audience loved it! It was a total crowd-pleaser! His jokes were bizarre, but the audience laughed. He didn't make any compelling arguments as to why someone should vote for Mitt Romney, but come on- everybody in that audience has already made their decision, and anyone watching at home who may have been on the fence wouldn't make a decision based on something that an actor/director said. And the part where he said "GO AHEAD" before leading the audience in a chorus of "MAKE MY DAY"? Awesome.

Let's not forget, there is an actual election going on this year, and Clint Eastwood has nothing to do with it. Maybe it's time to stop taking pictures of empty chairs (#EASTWOODING!) and start figuring out what each candidate is bringing to the table (good one, Adrienne!).

Also, since the RNC had Eastwood, I think the DNC should have a famous director speak... Quentin Tarantino. God help the invisible man in that chair.