WHAT DO YOU DO?

If you're unemployed/underemployed, chances are, you're anti-social. This is partially because you don't have any money to do anything, but largely because your life is an embarrassment. Meeting new people becomes a nightmare, because they will inevitably ask you what you do for a living. You might be tempted to answer honestly, saying something like "I DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!!" before bursting into tears.

Do not do this. There are 4 ways you can handle this question without looking like a loser.

DEALING WITH THE QUESTION: "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

METHOD 1: DEFLECTION- Smile and say "I think a better question is... what don't I do?" (bonus points if you suggestively waggle your eyebrows). You've taken the conversation into a completely different direction, and if you're at a bar, there's a strong chance you won't be paying for anything the rest of the evening.

METHOD 2: BE VAGUE- Be honest... sort of. 

• EXAMPLE 1: You work at McDonalds. Tell people you're a culinary specialist. No one needs to know McNuggets are your specialty.
• EXAMPLE 2: You're a cashier at Forever 21. Tell people you work in fashion. It's not your fault if whoever you tell that to assumes you mean something fancier. You're not a liar- they're just snooty.
• EXAMPLE 3: You don't have a job. Tell people you're an independent researcher. No one has to know your "research" is just you typing things like "watch How High free online" into your Google search bar.

METHOD 3: LIE- Face it kiddo, your life's a mess. It might be nice to pretend like it isn't for a little while. There are several ways this one can go wrong, making you seem even more pathetic than you would have if you just told the truth. If you choose this method, make sure you do the following:

• BE CERTAIN YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO SEE THIS PERSON AGAIN. The idea is that you escape your shitty life for a few hours, not that you end up leading a double life as a fake interior decorator.
• PICK SOMETHING KIND OF BORING: If you tell people that you're Beyonce's personal assistant, that's all they're going to want to talk about. If you tell people you're a tap dancer, they're going to want to see your moves (this actually happened to me once). When choosing a fake career, it's best to go dull but lucrative, like an accountant or a podiatrist. This way, they'll think you aren't a bum, and they won't want to hear details. 

METHOD 4: JUST DON'T GO OUT- Why bother putting pants on to go out and spend money you don't have when you can watch a Love and Hip Hop Atlanta marathon and cry into your cereal for free? We all know that's what you feel like doing anyway. 

Remember, you're only a loser if other people think you're a loser.*

*Just kidding, assface! You're totally still a loser. Now get a job before you become Karlie from LHHATL.