If I have a total of at least 10 followers by the end of the week, I will write a haiku for each follower. If I don't... fuck you guys.
The gauntlet has been thrown.
DON'T LET ME DOWN!
The gauntlet has been thrown.
DON'T LET ME DOWN!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
GOLD DIGGING 101
Can't get a real job? Get yourself some sugar!
Sugamommas and Sugadaddies are lookin for the lovin of a broke young thing (BYT) like yourself. They are more than happy to pay you for pretending to find them attractive. Does this sound like something you could do? If so, read on and learn the 4 simple steps to finding the meal ticket of your dreams.
STEP 4: BE A TERRIBLE PERSON- Casually mention how the rich married persons' wife/husband just doesn't appreciate what he/she has. Question whether monogamy is obsolete. Talk about how sad it is that passion doesn't last forever. You will form a connection. You will smush. The married rich person will most likely pay through the nose to make sure you keep your mouth shut. If they won't you can sell your story to a tabloid magazine and write a tell-all memoir about it. Either way, you will be set for life.
Congratulations! You now have what it takes to become a triflin' friend indeed. Go get someone to dig on.
Mad props to Michelle "Boner Champ" Wiltz for coming up with the idea for today's post.
Sugamommas and Sugadaddies are lookin for the lovin of a broke young thing (BYT) like yourself. They are more than happy to pay you for pretending to find them attractive. Does this sound like something you could do? If so, read on and learn the 4 simple steps to finding the meal ticket of your dreams.
HOW TO FIND A SUGAR MOMMA AND/OR DADDY
STEP 1: BE HOT- If you have a good face and a sweet bod (TITS for ladies, ABS for dudes), all you have to do is post a pic of yourself on a website like millionaireflirt.com or sugardaddy.com. The rest will take care of itself. Stop reading and thank the lord that you are blessed with sexiness. If you're normal looking or worse, proceed to Step 2.
STEP 2: KNOW YOUR TARGETS- If you aren't hot, the sugar mommas and daddies are not going to come after you. You need to go and get them. Like any other form of hunting, this will require some strategy. Here's what you need to know:
- There are 2 types of single rich people. The first type has unrealistically high standards. They think they deserve perfection. You are not good enough for them. The second type is repulsive. It doesn't matter how rich they are- something about them (their weight, their personality, their scent, etc) is so offensive, nobody wants to even pretend to be interested in them. They are not good enough for you (or any other human).
- You stand to gain more from married rich people. But aren't affairs immoral? Sure, but face it- gold digging is legal prostitution. When you trade sex for money, your morality goes out the window. Married rich people are generally easier to seduce, because you aren't competing for them with every other single person on earth. You're only competing with their spouse.
STEP 4: BE A TERRIBLE PERSON- Casually mention how the rich married persons' wife/husband just doesn't appreciate what he/she has. Question whether monogamy is obsolete. Talk about how sad it is that passion doesn't last forever. You will form a connection. You will smush. The married rich person will most likely pay through the nose to make sure you keep your mouth shut. If they won't you can sell your story to a tabloid magazine and write a tell-all memoir about it. Either way, you will be set for life.
Congratulations! You now have what it takes to become a triflin' friend indeed. Go get someone to dig on.
Mad props to Michelle "Boner Champ" Wiltz for coming up with the idea for today's post.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A NOTE TO MALE POLITICIANS
I know sex scandals in politics are nothing new. I know this. It just seems like male politicians are being especially slutty these days, so I thought I should give them some career advice. Sex scandals NEVER advance a politician's career. Usually, they end them. Male Politicians take note: IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ANY SEMBLANCE OF POWER, YOU NEED TO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. Here's why:
YOU WILL GET CAUGHT- We found out about John Edwards. We found out about Bill Clinton. You are not special. If you're doing someone you shouldn't, we will find out about you. You know why? Journalists LOVE these stories. EVERYBODY loves these stories. Sex scandals are the least boring thing about politics. If a journalist hears a rumor of your involvement in some sexual misdeed, you're fucked. Once they find some sort of lead (for example, a child of your maid's that looks suspiciously like you), they will pounce on it. They will ride it as hard as they can. They will thrust themselves deeper and deeper into your story until they are satisfied, and I promise you, they won't be satisfied until they see to it that you're finished.
YOUR COCK WILL BE A LAUGHINGSTOCK - Hey Weiner, wanna know what every single girl you sent that crotch shot to did with it? They showed it to their friends, saying "Hey! Look what I got this old dude to send me!" before sharing a hearty laugh at your manhood's expense. Unfortunately for a male politician, when you send out erotic photos, the recipient laughing at them is THE BEST CASE SCENARIO. Even more unfortunately, there is a strong chance a journalist will find your picture, and before you know it, the entire country will be laughing at your cock.
WE VOTED FOR YOU, NOT YOUR PENIS- You are a reflection of the voice of the American people. We chose you to represent us. We realize that you and your penis are a package deal, but ultimately, we vote for YOU, trusting that YOU are in complete control of your dong. We didn't put you in a position of power so you could use it to bang hot ladies, and you know it. Every time you put what your dick wants over what your voters want, you are slapping your voters in the face (with your dick). We come first, and if that means you don't at all, then so be it. That's the choice you made when you ran for office. You owe it to us all to quit dicking around.
YOU WILL GET CAUGHT- We found out about John Edwards. We found out about Bill Clinton. You are not special. If you're doing someone you shouldn't, we will find out about you. You know why? Journalists LOVE these stories. EVERYBODY loves these stories. Sex scandals are the least boring thing about politics. If a journalist hears a rumor of your involvement in some sexual misdeed, you're fucked. Once they find some sort of lead (for example, a child of your maid's that looks suspiciously like you), they will pounce on it. They will ride it as hard as they can. They will thrust themselves deeper and deeper into your story until they are satisfied, and I promise you, they won't be satisfied until they see to it that you're finished.
YOUR COCK WILL BE A LAUGHINGSTOCK - Hey Weiner, wanna know what every single girl you sent that crotch shot to did with it? They showed it to their friends, saying "Hey! Look what I got this old dude to send me!" before sharing a hearty laugh at your manhood's expense. Unfortunately for a male politician, when you send out erotic photos, the recipient laughing at them is THE BEST CASE SCENARIO. Even more unfortunately, there is a strong chance a journalist will find your picture, and before you know it, the entire country will be laughing at your cock.
WE VOTED FOR YOU, NOT YOUR PENIS- You are a reflection of the voice of the American people. We chose you to represent us. We realize that you and your penis are a package deal, but ultimately, we vote for YOU, trusting that YOU are in complete control of your dong. We didn't put you in a position of power so you could use it to bang hot ladies, and you know it. Every time you put what your dick wants over what your voters want, you are slapping your voters in the face (with your dick). We come first, and if that means you don't at all, then so be it. That's the choice you made when you ran for office. You owe it to us all to quit dicking around.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4... SHOULD I BOTHER?
When you're unemployed, you have a lot of time on your hands. You also have no source of income. "Should I Bother" explores low cost ways of killing time, ultimately deciding whether they are worth getting out of bed for.
No. Do not bother with this movie.
I'm sure that not everybody will hate this movie as much as I did (I really fucking hated this movie), but I'm equally sure that no one will love this movie. This is why I'm going to outline some of the film's qualities you might THINK would make this movie worth your time and suggest better ways to see those same things.
Penelope Cruz is So Hot it's Stupid- watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I haven't actually seen this movie, but I know she makes out with Scarlett Johanssen in it. So it has that going for it. And really, if you want to see Penelope Cruz looking ridiculously hot, you can watch ANY OTHER MOVIE she is in without having to pay $14 for a movie ticket.
You Heard There Were Flesh-Eating Mermaids In It- That's true. There are flesh-eating mermaids. Sounds pretty cool, right? WELL IT ISN'T. Somehow it is boring. Even worse, one of the mermaids decides not to eat human flesh and falls in love with Philip, a boring missionary who likes being judgemental, giving long-winded rants about good and evil, and taking off his shirt. I can't think of any other movie about flesh-eating mermaids, but if you like watching people being eaten by sea creatures you could watch Jaws or Piranha 3D (or wait 61 days for SHARK WEEK).
You Like Movies about the Fountain of Youth- Seriously? I guess you could just watch Cocoon again, weirdo.
This is the First Pirates Movie in 3D- The only time you really notice that it's in 3D is when Barbosa is waving his sword around and it points directly at the viewer's face. Just go to the dollar store, buy a plastic sword, and have one of your friends wave it around in front of you. It's pretty much the same thing.
This is the First Pirates Movie Where a Character has a Wooden Leg- I realize this isn't really something that draws people to movies. I just wanted to point out that for the first time in a FRANCHISE ABOUT PIRATES one of the characters has a wooden leg. This is the most remarkable thing about the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
You Love Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow-Jack Sparrow is hands down the best part of the Pirates franchise. He more or less does the same shit in every movie, and it's always at least a little amusing. Here's the problem: Jack Sparrow is a pirate. By nature he is supposed to be unpredictable, but at this point we've seen so much of him, we always know what he's going to do. He's going to be a scoundrel, but he's going to end up doing the right thing and saving the day as usual. He has a few funny lines, but they aren't enough to make his character seem exciting anymore. If you want to watch Captain Jack Sparrow, just watch the first Pirates movie again. Johnny Depp gives such a good performance that he gets paid millions of dollars to do it again every 2 years.
BOTTOM LINE- Sleeping is more worth your time than Pirates of the Caribbean 4.
SHOULD I BOTHER WATCHING PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4?
No. Do not bother with this movie.
I'm sure that not everybody will hate this movie as much as I did (I really fucking hated this movie), but I'm equally sure that no one will love this movie. This is why I'm going to outline some of the film's qualities you might THINK would make this movie worth your time and suggest better ways to see those same things.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE...
Penelope Cruz is So Hot it's Stupid- watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I haven't actually seen this movie, but I know she makes out with Scarlett Johanssen in it. So it has that going for it. And really, if you want to see Penelope Cruz looking ridiculously hot, you can watch ANY OTHER MOVIE she is in without having to pay $14 for a movie ticket.
You Heard There Were Flesh-Eating Mermaids In It- That's true. There are flesh-eating mermaids. Sounds pretty cool, right? WELL IT ISN'T. Somehow it is boring. Even worse, one of the mermaids decides not to eat human flesh and falls in love with Philip, a boring missionary who likes being judgemental, giving long-winded rants about good and evil, and taking off his shirt. I can't think of any other movie about flesh-eating mermaids, but if you like watching people being eaten by sea creatures you could watch Jaws or Piranha 3D (or wait 61 days for SHARK WEEK).
You Like Movies about the Fountain of Youth- Seriously? I guess you could just watch Cocoon again, weirdo.
This is the First Pirates Movie in 3D- The only time you really notice that it's in 3D is when Barbosa is waving his sword around and it points directly at the viewer's face. Just go to the dollar store, buy a plastic sword, and have one of your friends wave it around in front of you. It's pretty much the same thing.
This is the First Pirates Movie Where a Character has a Wooden Leg- I realize this isn't really something that draws people to movies. I just wanted to point out that for the first time in a FRANCHISE ABOUT PIRATES one of the characters has a wooden leg. This is the most remarkable thing about the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
You Love Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow-Jack Sparrow is hands down the best part of the Pirates franchise. He more or less does the same shit in every movie, and it's always at least a little amusing. Here's the problem: Jack Sparrow is a pirate. By nature he is supposed to be unpredictable, but at this point we've seen so much of him, we always know what he's going to do. He's going to be a scoundrel, but he's going to end up doing the right thing and saving the day as usual. He has a few funny lines, but they aren't enough to make his character seem exciting anymore. If you want to watch Captain Jack Sparrow, just watch the first Pirates movie again. Johnny Depp gives such a good performance that he gets paid millions of dollars to do it again every 2 years.
BOTTOM LINE- Sleeping is more worth your time than Pirates of the Caribbean 4.
CASE OF THE MONDAYS: DEADLINES
When you're unemployed, time has no meaning. You have nothing to do and nowhere to be. People with jobs hate Mondays because they kick off the work week, requiring them to be at a specific place at a specific time ready to do a specific thing. People without jobs hate Mondays because they serve as a reminder of what their lives were like when they were functioning members of society. This is why once a week I will explore one of the benefits of unemployment in a segment called "Case of the Mondays".
But... but it's Wednesday. Why is she writing a "Case of the Mondays" on a- OHHH I GET IT. Clever.
But... but it's Wednesday. Why is she writing a "Case of the Mondays" on a- OHHH I GET IT. Clever.
DON'T WALLOW
You may have noticed I haven't posted anything new in the past couple of days. Is it because I've found a job? Heavens, no. It is because I've spent the past few days doing something that is all too easy for the unemployed... I have been wallowing in my own despair.
I know what you're thinking... you're thinking Wow, that Adrienne chick is so deep. She's all brooding and interesting and sexy, like a female version of Ryan from the O.C. I want to be just like her. DO NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS. There is nothing less attractive than sitting around moping and feeling sorry for yourself. If you answer yes to one or more of the following, it might already be too late for you.
I know what you're thinking... you're thinking Wow, that Adrienne chick is so deep. She's all brooding and interesting and sexy, like a female version of Ryan from the O.C. I want to be just like her. DO NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS. There is nothing less attractive than sitting around moping and feeling sorry for yourself. If you answer yes to one or more of the following, it might already be too late for you.
AM I WALLOWING IN MY OWN DESPAIR TEST
In the past few days, have you:
-gone over 24 hours without leaving your house
-worn dirty clothes in public figuring that you have no one to impress anyway
-sent an email saying "FUCK YOU" to the writer of a craigslist post for a bogus job instead of just flagging the post
-watched more than 7 consecutive episodes of the same show, only stopping when your internet connection to netflix slows down and you realize you are hungry, thirsty, and have to pee worse than you ever have in your entire life
-sent out a text message only to worry a millisecond later that your phone was broken because you didn't get a response yet
-realized you've probably gained 5 pounds after thinking about all of crap you've eaten
-decided to continue eating crap using the logic that those last 5 pounds are supposed to be the hardest to lose anyway, so you might as well gain at least 6 pounds.
-become enraged when a stupid song by Black Eyed Peas comes on the radio, realizing that they have made more money from that stupid song than you will ever make in your entire life
-avoided your friends with real jobs
-felt jealous of people who haven't graduated yet because they still have their whole lives ahead of them
How did you do? Are you wallowing in your own despair? If so, don't worry... it's easy to fix. Take a fucking shower, put on some clean clothes, and quit your bitching. And for fuck's sake, put away the poptarts. They aren't making you any thinner.
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