JACK BULLET: THIRSTY FOR VENGEANCE CONT'D

Here are three more chapters of Jack Bullet.

In case you missed it, here's the origin of Jack Bullet, and here's the first part of Jack's story.

You're welcome.

CHAPTER TWO

JACK BULLET’S OBJECTIVE: Take down the FUGMO that murdered Dragon McCool.

In a silent, fluid motion, he leapt off the barstool towards the door. His hands were shaking slightly- not in fear, but anticipation. Bullet could not wait for his fists and the killer’s face to be joined in a holy matrimony of justice.

He exited the bar. The killer was opening her car door.

Bullet was 50 feet away from her. He only slightly raised his voice to say “Stop.”

He was not visibly armed. She had no reason to listen. Still, she fell victim to his naturally commanding voice and paused, turning to look at him and raising an unplucked eyebrow.

Quickly catching herself, she jumped into her car, slamming the door. Bullet’s car was on the opposite side of the lot.

“Bitch wants a car chase.” He thought. “I’ll give Bitch a car chase.”

As he ran to his car, she started her engine. Suddenly, there was a deafening explosion- Bullet turned to see the hose beast’s car engulfed in flames.

It was obvious that she killed Dragon… but who killed her?

There were sirens in the distance. Someone at the bar must have called the police.

Jack Bullet was not about to stick around for questioning.

Jack Bullet vanished into the night, searching for answers.

CHAPTER 3

VIVIAN STONE was a CIA operative. She was also the head of intel for AMMO, the agency McCool worked for, the agency that occasionally paid Bullet for his services. If anyone knew who was gunning for Bullet and McCool, it would be her.

Jack got to her house at around 3:00 am. The lights were on, and she opened the door for Jack almost the second he reached the top of the stairs.

This was not the first time Jack had paid a late night visit to Vivian, although it was usually under much happier circumstances.

“I thought you might be paying me a visit.”

“You heard about McCool?”

“Got a message two minutes ago. Got out of bed one minute ago. Heard you walking up my steps before even getting a chance to put pants on. Sorry if I’m kind of out of it.”

As she was saying this, she was brewing a pot of coffee and pulling up McCool’s file on her computer. Even forced out of bed by unexpected and terrible news, Vivian Stone was more together than most people at their best. And Jack couldn’t help but notice what a stunner she was- she had the legs of a runway model, the tits of a Playmate, and the ass of the hottest Kardashian. Also, her face was nice.

“Alright Bullet. Tell me everything you know.”

Jack told her about the ratchet-faced bartender, the poisoned tequila, and the car bomb.

“Hm.” She said. “So you don’t know for sure that your drink was 

poisoned?”

“No.”

She continued, “Let’s say for the sake of argument that it wasn’t. It’s possible that her plan was to kill McCool and then kill herself.”

Jack’s eyes widened slightly-

“I know,” she said “It’s unlikely. We just need to weigh every possible option. But if I were to guess, I’d say her mission was to kill the two of you. When she realized she failed, she probably knew she couldn’t take you on her own and decided to bolt, not knowing her car was rigged. Somebody probably hired her to take the two of you out, and killed her to sort of… clean up after themselves.”

“So who do you think it was? Who’d want the two of us dead?”

She burst out laughing. Again Jack’s eyes widened-

“I’m sorry. It’s just- who wouldn’t?” she composed herself, and fixed her green eyes on him.

“Jack. You kill people. It’s what you do, and you do it all the time. Are you really surprised somebody’s trying to kill you?”

“I’m surprised somebody thinks they can kill me.”

“Well they killed Dragon.” Jack’s fists clenched. She paused before continuing, “Whoever it is, they’re dangerous. God, for even trying to fuck with you, they’ve got to be out of their mind.”

She ran her fingers through her thick, blonde hair. “My team is scanning the place for DNA, prints, anything they can find. For now, I can look into old cases you guys worked on together, come up with some suspects. You should probably keep a low profile.”

“A low profile?”

“Yeah. Just… don’t go out, guns blazing. I know that’s kind of your thing, but…” she looked up at him “maybe just stay here for awhile.”

“Here?” he met her gaze.

She bit her lip.

CHAPTER 4

THEY TOTALLY BANG. A lot.

Again, you're welcome.

Fun fact: I google image searched "Badass Eagle" and that was the second result. 

JACK BULLET: THIRSTY FOR VENGEANCE: PART ONE

Last week, you met Jack Bullet.

This week, I'm posting the first part of his first story.

Shit's about to get crazy.

Oh, you want to know who Jack Bullet is? LET ME TELL YOU (you can just skip this part if you read it last week)!

WHO IS JACK BULLET?

JACK BULLET IS ONE BAD MOTHER. HE IS A MAN WITHOUT A GOD. HE IS A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY. HE IS A MAN WHO LIVES BY ONE RULE AND ONE RULE ONLY…

JUSTICE MUST PREVAIL.

JACK BULLET HAS THE BODY OF VIN DIESEL, THE SWAGGER OF IDRIS ELBA, THE SMIRK OF JASON STATHAM, AND 10 TIMES THE RAGE OF A SCREAMING SAMUEL L. JACKSON. HE DOES NOT PREFER HIS MARTINI TO BE SHAKEN OR STIRRED BECAUSE JACK BULLET KNOWS THAT CLEAR LIQUOR IS FOR BITCHES.

JACK BULLET MOVES WITH THE QUIET, LETHAL GRACE OF A JUNGLE CAT. HE FIGHTS WITH THE UNBRIDLED FURY OF A WILDFIRE. EVERY PUNCH HE THROWS LANDS ON ITS VICTIM WITH THE DEVASTATING FORCE OF A TSUNAMI.

JACK BULLET IS NOT A MAN TO CROSS. WHEN HE IS NOT KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES, HE IS FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND. EVERY WOMAN THAT HE’S EVER BEEN WITH WOULD ARGUE THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY MEN THEY’VE HAD BEFORE HIM, THEY WERE VIRGINS UNTIL JACK BULLET.

AS FAR AS HUMANITY IS CONCERNED, JACK BULLET IS EVERY BIT AS DANGEROUS AND ESSENTIAL AS THE SUN.

JACK BULLET IS THE MAN.

STORY ONE: "THIRSTY FOR VENGEANCE"

PART ONE

“WHISKEY. NEAT.”

The bartender said, slamming a drink on the counter. She looked like Salma Hayak’s younger, bigger-titted sister.

“I didn’t order this.”

“Jack,” she said with a smile. “You didn’t have to. You order the same thing every time I see you.” She turned to the man sitting next to him.

“And for you?”

“I’ll have a rum and coke. Which is the same thing I order every time you see me.”

“Sure, hon.” She said, but her eyes were already fixed on Jack again. “You know, if you want anything else from me, all ya have to do is ask.” She winked.

“Smokin’ hot.” The man next to Jack said, casting an appreciative glance at the bartender as she walked away. The man’s name was Dragon McCool. He was a mountain of a man and he wore a leather jacket and an eye patch. “I can’t believe you hit that.”

Jack Bullet shrugged before taking a long sip of his drink.

“Bullet, you son of a bitch! If I wasn’t getting married next week, I’d be wasting a lot of time and a lot of money trying to get a woman like that to look at me, and here you are acting like it’s nothing. She’s a perfect ten!”

Jack grumbled. “I wouldn’t put her in my top ten.”

“If I didn’t know you so well, I’d call bullshit.”

Bullet and McCool had known each other for nearly twenty years. Both were specialized assassins. Both were deeply feared and respected. McCool worked for AMMO, a secret government agency. Bullet worked freelance. They’d met when AMMO hired Bullet to help McCool take down the leaders of a drug cartel in Mexico. They worked well together, and teamed up several more times over the years.

“Where the fuck’s that little cutie with my drink? She better not be expecting a tip. I don’t care how hot she is, this is straight-up bad service. She could show me her tits, I ain’t gonna tip her.”

Jack turned slightly in his direction, vaguely raising an eyebrow.

“Fine. Maybe. Maybe then I’d tip her.” He slapped his palm on the table. 

“Could I get some service over here? I’m gonna jump over the counter and make my own damn drink.”

“That won’t be necessary!” a woman’s voice shouted from across the bar. It was a different, considerably less attractive bartender. She rushed over to them, holding a tray with three drinks.

“Here’s your rum and coke! And here are two shots of top shelf tequila on the house as an apology for keepin’ you boys waiting.”

“How much for the rum and coke?” asked McCool.

“For a fine piece of man like you? It’s on me,” she leaned over, looking Dragon square in his good eye. “And if you play your cards right Sweet Thang, you could be, too.” She turned and walked away, ass shaking with every step.

“Figures that one would want me. Face like a rhino’s taint. Ass is nice though.”

It was true. She had a body any woman would kill for, with a face that would kill any boner.

“You’ve done worse, McCool.”

“No denying that. Best thing about marrying Tawny is I’ll never have to bone a butterface like Ol’ Sloppy Joe over there again.”

“You’re a lucky man.”

“No denying that either.” He raised his tequila glass “To Tawny, the future Mrs. Dragon McCool!”

Jack took a long sip of his whiskey.

“Bullet, what the fuck? Take a shot with me. Don’t disrespect my woman.”

“I’m not disrespecting your woman, I’m respecting myself by not drinking this shit. Tastes like piss.”

“Who cares, Asshole? A free drink’s a free drink.”

“Free piss is still piss.”

“Look at you. A goddamned connoisseur.”

Jack showed the faintest hint of a smile, and raised his whiskey glass.

“To Tawny.”

McCool raised his glass again. “To Tawny!”

As Jack was downing his drink, he heard a loud thud. McCool’s head had slammed into the counter.

Jack had been a killer for most of his life, and was immediately sure of two things- McCool had been poisoned, and he had died instantly.

The other shot of tequila remained untouched on the counter. Jack knew it was probably poisoned. Chances were, whoever killed McCool wanted Bullet dead too.

A door slammed. The stank-faced bartender had run out of the bar.

Even if Jack hadn’t spent his life as a killer, he would have known that she was responsible for the death of Dragon McCool.

Jack Bullet looked at the corpse of his best friend and greatest ally, and he did not grieve.

JACK BULLET sprang into action.


Come back next week for part two... if your bitch ass can handle it. 

 

MIXTAPE MONDAY: MY FEELINGS HAVE FEELINGS

Do you ever have one of those moments where this song you haven't heard or even thought about in years pops into your head?

This morning, that happened to me. It was a song I LOVED in high school. LOVED. I remember listening to it on repeat on the bus in the morning. I remember putting it on a mix CD of songs to fall asleep to.

I immediately found it on Spotify and began to listen.

Sample lyrics:

there are some who say there are so many things I need
so I run or I fight and I crawl or I scream and 

I bleed
I bleed

I bleed!

I remembered the melody, but I forgot the melodrama.

A few days ago, BuzzFeed ran an article called "The 12 Most Melodramatic Dashboard Confessional Songs".

Dashboard is probably the first band that comes to mind when you think of emo bands you liked when you were in high school (I'm assuming if you're reading this, you're my friend, and are approximately my age), but there are plenty of amazingly over the top songs by OTHER musicians that I bet got you through some hard times in high school (if you were like me, these "hard times" were lonely nights spent vaguely wishing you had a boyfriend or at least a tv in your room so you wouldn't have to wait for your parents to go to sleep to play Guitar Hero. I hope for your sake you weren't like me.).

So, in the spirit of the BuzzFeed article, I present to you "My Feelings Have Feelings: 12 Melodramatic/Emo Songs That You Probably Loved In High School Or Maybe You Didn't But Whatever I Bet You Remember Them All And Will Probably Chuckle At A Few So Just Fucking Read It".

That's a working title.


1. I Miss You- Blink 182
 This song was MADE for high school kids with too many feelings. It mentions a morgue something like 3 lines in. Then it references "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

 A Picture's Worth a Thousand Feelings.

Even if the lyrics weren't super dark/emotional, this song would make the list for the tortured way Tom Delonge screams "WHERE ARE YOOOOOU" in the second verse (it's at 1:19).

2. Ocean Avenue- Yellowcard
 IF I COULD FIND YOU NOW THINGS WOULD GET BETTERRRR!!
WE COULD LEAVE THIS TOWN AND RUN FOREVERRRR!!!
I KNOW SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW WE'LL BE TOGETHERRRR!!!!!
LET YOUR WAVES CRASH DOWN ON ME AND TAKE ME AWAY-EEE-YEAH!

A lot of my friends in high school were too cool for this song when it came out. They made fun of it. I laughed along with them but...

God dammit, Yellowcard... Your waves crashed down on me and they took me away. I could probably still sing this song in its entirety.

3. Somewhere Only We Know-Keane
This song is sneaky... You don't notice how emo it is because your mom probably likes it and because it's got a piano. It's also a genuinely pretty song, and a staple on Lite Rock stations.

 But seriously... listen to the British dude's tormented wailing at 3:15, and tell me this song isn't emo.

4. Ohio Is For Lovers- Hawthorne Heights
If you don't know why this song is on the list, you've never heard this song. Cut your wrists, black your eyes, and listen to it immediately:

5. You're Beautiful- James Blunt
I know "Goodbye My Lover" seems like the obvious choice here, but... this song. This fucking song.

Listen to the lyrics of this fucking song. James Blunt is stoned, staring at a beautiful woman on the subway. That's the entire song.  When he says "We shared a moment that will last til the end", he's talking about  the moment the poor woman awkwardly smiles at the creepy man on the train (Blunt) who's been leering at her with bloodshot eyes for the past twenty minutes (possibly while muttering "you're beautiful" repeatedly under his breath, although there's no real evidence in the song to support this).

And the video! The fucking video!

... I bought that CD.

6. Champagne Supernova - Matt Pond PA
Are you a nerdy 20 something guy who has enjoyed sexual relations with women who are out of your league? Get down on your hands and knees and thank THIS GUY:

California... CalifornYAAAAAAAA!! HERE WE CAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUMMMMM

Nerds are having a pop cultural renaissance (see: The Big Bang Theory being the number one sitcom on television, the cultural prominence of superhero based films, virtually any movie that features Seth Rogen...), and Seth Cohen is the guy that started it all.

Did you know that Fox didn't even want Adam Brody on the promo posters for The OC because they thought he would turn off potential viewers (aka young ladies)? They didn't like the idea of a comic book dork being the protagonist of a sexy teen drama.

Fortunately for nerdy guys everywhere, they were wrong. Seth Cohen became the fantasy boyfriend of teenage girls everywhere. Like, maybe if you got into a fight or something you'd rebound with Ryan,  BUT YOU'D ALWAYS COME BACK TO SETH.

Most of the girls (and probably some of the guys) reading this already know why this song is on the list, and why I'm talking about Seth Cohen.

This glorious moment.

This scene turned OC fangirls onto the song "Champagne Supernova" which turned them onto Oasis which turned them onto "Wonderwall" (which should probably be on this playlist).

Anyway, This Scene + This Song = Teenage Dream

Also, what the hell has Adam Brody been doing lately???

7. I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie 
The first line of this song is "Love of mine... Someday you will die."

And did you really think I was going to make a list like this and NOT include Death Cab for Cutie??? Come on.

8. It is Love - HelloGoodbye
How many AIM profiles did you see these lyrics in? How many of your friends' MySpace profiles used this song as the background music?? 

It's so cheesy and twee and...

God dammit. It's delightful. I still love this song. Try to frown when you're listening to this! Just try!

...I might still be 17.

9. Hey There, Delilah - Plain White Tees
 This song definitely sounds emotional, but if you listen to the lyrics, you'll notice it doesn't sound like it's about much of anything.

That's because the guy who wrote the song didn't actually know Delilah. The only thing he knew about her was that she lived in New York. He just thought it would be cute to write a love song about this girl he sort of wanted to date before he really got to know her.

Still, it makes the list for the last 20 seconds of the song, which are just the lead singer going "oohhhhhh Wooooooooaaaaaaoooooooooaaaaooooooohhhh woah ohhhhhhh woah ohhhh woah ooooohhh wooooooahhhhhhhhhh ooooh woooooahhhh".

10. Bright Eyes - First Day of My Life
Conor.

Oberst.

Amirite Ladies?

 I was pretty positive he wrote this one for me.

11. The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows - Brand New
If 15 year olds were allowed to get tattoos, a bunch of us would have "I lie for only you, and I lie well" permanently etched on ourselves.

 

I still don't understand what "Wasting words on lower cases and capitals" means. Is there a Rap Genius type website for emo???

12. Brick - Ben Folds Five
Brick came out in 1997, an entire decade before I graduated high school. I discovered the song when I was around 15. I heard it on the radio, and thought it was one of the deepest, most honest, and edgiest things I'd ever heard. (Now I think the song is kinda douchey. Seriously? She's the brick?! It takes 2 to tango, Ben Folds Five! YOU'RE a brick!)

But you know what? 15 year olds keep discovering this song. I don't know what it is exactly, but kids LOVE this song. As I type this, an Alt Rock radio station is playing this, and some kid driving to school is hearing it for the first time, freaking out.

To teenagers, everything seems more dramatic and intense than it actually is (Case in point: How many times when you were a teenager did you think They should make a movie/tv show out of my life! I hate to break it to teenage you, but that movie would have been boring as shit). It makes sense that they'd be attracted to dark and dramatic things, which I guess is why they lose their shit over this piano ballad about an abortion on the day after Christmas.

Anyway, enjoy(?) the last song on the playlist!

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I realize now, I should have included the entire Garden State soundtrack on this list. I can't do anything right. Excuse me while I cut my wrists and black my eyes.

DISCLAIMER: CUTTING YOUR WRISTS IS NOT FUNNY. EMO MUSIC IS.

POOR PERSON SKILLS

Last year, around this time, I got a really bad cold.

I decided to stock up on chicken noodle soup at the Stop & Shop near my house. I vividly remember thinking this: "HOLY SHIT! Soup is so expensive! I guess I'll just get one can, and hope the cold goes away by the time I need another one."

A can of soup is less than three dollars.

Yeah. I was really poor.

I once spent three weeks living off of a combination of spare change I found in my room and tip jar money (which was a dollar on a good night) because my bank account was overdrawn. And dammit, I made it work!

I wouldn't want to have to do it again, but I know that I could. When you're really poor, you pick up these weird survival skills. Survival skills like...

THE ABILITY TO SLEEP ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, THROUGH ANYTHING:

If that whole Cloverfield thing ever happened, I would probably just sleep through it. I didn't always used to be that way.

I have wonderful parents. I had awesome beds when I was growing up. When I was five years old, my parents bought me a canopy bed. You know, like what princesses have.

Fast forward 16 years. I was moving out to an apartment that was something like half a mile away from where I lived. I moved 90% of my stuff to the new apartment in one trip in my friend's minivan. Mattresses don't fit in minivans. I took my foam mattress topper, threw it on my tile floor, and slapped a sheet on it. Problem solved!

I walked into my new room, eating cereal out of the box, admiring my handiwork. I dropped some cinammon toast crunch on the floor- and all of a sudden, a million ants came out of a crack in the wall and swarmed it.

Hey Roomie!

So I was sleeping on a thin piece of foam, barely an inch off the floor, in an apartment with an ant problem. Not only was I uncomfortable because I was on a piece of foam, I was terrified that the ants would crawl into my ears while I was sleeping, so I wore one of those winter hats with ear-flaps. It was May. I did not sleep great that night.Or the night after that.

But, I was broke. Having to buy a can of Raid was a huge blow to my budget that week- a mattress was not an option. After a few sleepless nights, I just got over it. I got accustomed to it- other people looked at my "bed" with horror, but after that first week, it didn't bother me at all. I even threw caution to the wind and slept without a hat on.

Over the next few years, I've had to crash on a few couches/futons. My friends always look at me with concern the morning after, asking "How did you sleep?" and I look at them like they're crazy. I slept on a piece of foam on a tile floor for more than half a year. To me, your futon is more comfortable than Brian Williams in a tailored suit.

Dude looks comfortable.

TURNING ANYTHING INTO A MEAL:
Over the years, I've eaten some weird shit.

When I was 19, I convinced myself that a spoonful of peanut butter with some crushed red pepper mixed into a bowl of Spicy-Chili flavored Ramen noodles tasted exactly like pad thai. Maybe it did, and maybe it didn't... The only thing I know for sure was that the only things I had in my cabinet were ramen, random spices, and peanut butter.

You know how brilliant artists can see beauty in horrible, ugly things? Poor and hungry people can see the potential for a meal in any grocery.

Do you know how many different things you can do with eggs? You can turn them into omelettes, you can just hard boil them and throw them into salad, you can boil them with your ramen to make something like egg drop soup, you can use them to turn your 99 cent white bread into french toast, and SO MUCH MORE.  Do you know how much mileage you can get with a $1 can of tuna or a $2 box of spaghetti? Buying meat is expensive, but did you know that you can combine mushrooms with a can of lentils and some breadcrumbs (which you can make out of your stale 99 cent white bread) to make a huge batch of things that taste like MEATBALLS?! BECAUSE YOU CAN!

When you're hungry and desperate, you learn so much about food. You can't afford to eat out, and you can't afford to buy a whole lot of different ingredients, so you find out how versatile things are. You get creative. Cheap spices and canned foods become your best friends. And ramen noodles.

Seriously, if anyone ever needs a ramen recipe, give me a call because in the past 4 years, I've come up with fucking thousands.

CHOOSING HAPPINESS/BEING COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL:

 Being poor sucks. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

A "fun" night out is a nightmare. First of all, you have nothing to wear. Everything you own has holes in it/was bought several years ago. Second of all, you have to pay for food or drinks, you have to pay for transportation, and you have to spend time with your friends who aren't poor and pretend like the idea of paying $7 for a beer isn't fucking killing you on the inside.

This is where you'll need to become completely delusional. You can choose to stay in and convince yourself that eating 99 cent pudding while reading a Cosmo magazine you stole from somebody's recycling bin is a totally awesome way to spend an evening...

You mean this song ISN'T about eating Snack Packs by yourself?

 OR you go out and tell yourself that your disgusting outfit is totally chic (duhhh guys, grunge revival!) and that you look so good in it, people will be buying you drinks all night (and breakfast the next morning! HI-YOOOOOO!).

When that (for some reason) doesn't happen, you convince yourself that $7 isn't an outrageous amount of money for a Bud Light (even though that's like, 3 boxes of spaghetti!). You convince yourself that someday you'll become Oprah-rich, and your friends will know what it's like to be the poor friend. You convince yourself that you're having fun, and at some point, you actually forget how poor you are, and you start having fun!

And then you'll wake up the next morning with a sore throat. You'll want some soup, but there will be no way you can afford it. But that's ok. You're pretty sure you have some chicken flavored Ramen in the pantry... boil an egg in there, maybe throw some mushrooms in, and you've got yourself something BETTER than a can of Progresso. Being poor isn't so bad. And someday you'll be Oprah-rich and all of this will make you laugh.

Even if none of that is true, it will feel true, and it will help you survive another miserable day of broke-assness. No matter what your life is like, you're going to run into shitty times, and the ability to delude yourself into thinking things are ok will be useful.

DENIAL IS A SURVIVAL SKILL, PEOPLE! And poor people have got it by the pound!

Poor people live like they're in a post-apocalyptic world... They ration their food (most of which is non-perishable), they can make shelter anywhere, and they've got an endless capacity for hope.

Was this entire blog post just a really long way for me to outline why, if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would last longer than you?

Yes.

Me, in the zombie apocalypse. Not Pictured: Your corpse.

GOING 'TOPLESS: HOMESLICE

The death of my laptop was slow and painful- in July 2011 its parts became mutinous, crippling it until late December, when its little laptop heart couldn't take the strain anymore and stopped beating (I don't understand how laptops work). I spent the next 8 months with incredibly limited computer access. I'd like to share some of the experiences I had in that time in a new weekly segment I'm calling "GOING 'TOPLESS". Because lapTOP?? And I didn't have one?? Ehhh???? You're not funny either.

This is something weird that happened to me several months ago, when I didn't have a laptop. I remember really wanting to tell everyone this story and being annoyed that I couldn't write about it. I'm really writing this more for me than you.
 
Last year, I was living in a beautiful, safe neighborhood, paying an incredibly low rent (how low was it? I was barely working full time/barely making minimum wage, and I could still afford to pay rent and eat stuff every day). This was a neighborhood for raising families. I never had to worry about crackheads at the laundromat. It was also in the middle of nowhere- going anywhere was an enormous hassle. I don't miss living there at all.

Besides, the crackhead in my laundromat story wasn't the problem... the problem was that I saw the crackhead going into the laundromat and didn't even consider not going in after him. I always end up in totally bizarre, totally AVOIDABLE situations. Like this one:

I lived on the top floor of a 3 story apartment building. I didn't know anyone who lived in any of the other apartments, and that was just fine with me- they were families. I wasn't actively trying to befriend middle aged adults or their teenage kids. I was perfectly content with awkwardly smiling and waving when we passed each other entering and exiting the building.

I woke up one morning, opened my fridge, and realized virtually nothing in it was mine (this is something that used to happen to me a lot). I opened the door to go to the grocery store, and was startled to see a cat just lying there, in the hallway, directly in front of my door. I figured it belonged to the people who lived under me- sometimes I noticed a cat sitting in their window.

It didn't move. I awkwardly stepped over it and went on my merry way.

I got back to my apartment something like a half hour later, and the cat was no longer in the hallway. I figured the people on the second floor probably let it back in.

I poured myself a huge bowl of honey nut scooters (which are like honey nut cheerios, but for poor people) and vaguely wondered what I would do for the next few hours before I had to go to work. I didn't really have any plans... BUT FATE DID.

Did you guys just get chills?!

 I was enjoying my cereal when I heard this insane noise from the second floor. Somebody was simultaneously sobbing and howling. Imagine the noise a wolf would make if he just found out his wolf wife was sleeping with his wolf best friend and that his wolf son had wolf cancer... This is the level of despair I was hearing.

"YOUUUUUUU..." the person howling shouted, in between sobs. "YOOOOOUUU.... YOU LOST MY FUCKING CAT!!!"

Oh shit. I thought. This is sort of my fault. I knew it was their cat. Maybe I should have just knocked on their door and told them it was in the hallway. I mean, why didn't I just do that?? I've never once seen this cat outside before. Holy shit, this cat has probably never been outside before. Oh my god. Oh my god, I definitely should have let them know. What do I do now? Nothing. I definitely do nothing... I'm just going to stay here and wait for this thing to blow over.

The howling continued, "YOOOOOOOOUUUUU FUCKING BIIIIITCH!!!! YOOOOU LOST MY FUUUUCKIIIING CAAAAAAT!!!! AOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!"

Now wait a minute... I thought. This cat has probably not gone very far. Maybe if they stopped yelling and actually went looking for it, it would be back inside.

"WHAT THE FUCK??? YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"

I can't listen to this. I bet that cat's in the driveway. I'm ending this right now. I headed outside, and looked around the front of the apartment. Nothing. I thought about giving up, but could hear the howling from outside. I figured I'd take a lap around the block and see if I could find it.

I didn't find it. When I got back to my street, I saw a small, middle-aged Korean woman. I could tell from the pained look in her eyes that she was the "FUCKING BIIIIITCH" who lost the "FUUUCKIIIING CAAAAAAT". 

Ok, Adrienne. Be cool. Just go back inside. Your work here is done. I walked up to the door. "Heeeeey!" I said, trying to sound casual and like I didn't know that this woman had just been screamed at for a half hour. I reached into my bag to get my keys. "Hi!" she said, her voice shaking with desperation, "Have you noticed a big brown cat anywhere around here?"

I should have said no. But you have to understand- this woman was looking at me like she'd been siting there hungry enough to eat her own arm and I just strolled by carrying a plate of cupcakes."Please" her eyes said. "Help me!"

"Ummm, maybe?" I said, which, in retrospect, was the world's worst answer. "I mean, I saw a cat not too long ago in the hallway... but uh, I thought it looked more gray than brown soooo....  maybe it was a different cat..."

Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. "You saw a cat in the hallway?! Courtney!! COURTNEY!!!" she shouted.

Suddenly, this tiny 14 year old Korean girl came barreling towards me. It was immediately clear to me that this tiny person had been howling obscenities at her mom for the past half hour or so.

"Courtney! This girl might have seen your cat!"

She turned to me, looking hysterical with worry, tears streaming down her face. "You saw Homeslice????!"

"Umm... maybe... I definitely saw a cat, but ummm..."

"Did she have a beauty mark on her nose???!"

"Um... what? I uh, don't know... Maybe? Ummm.." I inched toward the door.

"WAIT! I have a picture!" she whipped out her iPhone. The cat was her background picture. "Did it look like this?'

"Ummm, I can't really tell..." the picture was in sepia.

 "How about this picture?" Yes. She did have an entire album of cat pictures. And ALL OF THEM were in sepia. I finally couldn't take anymore.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the cat I saw. I'm sure it's not too far away. Did you try leaving out a can of cat food for it?"

The girl's mother jumped. "I'll go get some!"

She ran up the stairs. Courtney turned to me "Will you help me find Homeslice?"

Now, on the one hand, this girl was a monster. Who yells at their mom, or ANY HUMAN BEING like that? But, on the other hand, she was just a kid who lost her cat that she obviously adored (to an insane extent). Also, if i just knocked on their door and told them their cat was in the hallway, none of this would have ever happened. This was a fact I was hoping she would overlook, because I honestly don't know if I could mentally withstand being howled at for a half hour.

So I looked. And looked. And looked some more. I leaned over bushes. I peeked behind fences. I trespassed on the property of strangers. Nothing.

I came back something like an hour later. Courtney's mom was standing outside. Courtney had recruited a bunch of her equally obnoxious friends to help her look. I figured my work there was done, and anyway, I had to get ready for work. Courtney's mom asked me if I'd seen Homeslice at all. "Nope. Maybe you should hang up signs or something with the cat's picture?" 

"Yeah! I'll go do that!" again, she ran up the stairs. By the time I got to my door, I heard her car speeding away.

When I walked home from work several hours later, I noticed there were no "Missing Cat" signs hanging up anywhere. Either they'd found Homeslice or Courtney's mom had skipped town. I was hoping both of those things were true.

My question was answered when I got to the door of my apartment. There was a sign on it: "Dear Animal Lover, Please keep door closed so cat cant get out. Thanks! :)" 

I'd like to make something clear- this wasn't on the door of the apartment building. This was on the door to my apartment. I looked for that darned cat for over an hour, and they still blamed me!

Not once, in the next 5 months after that when I lived there did I speak to Courtney again. I did run into her mom while I was moving out. She looked at me. "Oh... You're leaving?"

"Yep. I'm moving out."

"Oh... Well... Take care." she said, barely looking at me. She opened her mouth, looking like she was about to say something. Then she ran up the stairs.


I don't miss living in a residential neighborhood.