Last year, around this time, I got a really bad cold.
I decided to stock up on chicken noodle soup at the Stop & Shop near my house. I vividly remember thinking this: "HOLY SHIT! Soup is so expensive! I guess I'll just get one can, and hope the cold goes away by the time I need another one."
A can of soup is less than three dollars.
Yeah. I was really poor.
I once spent three weeks living off of a combination of spare change I found in my room and tip jar money (which was a dollar on a good night) because my bank account was overdrawn. And dammit, I made it work!
I wouldn't want to have to do it again, but I know that I could. When you're really poor, you pick up these weird survival skills. Survival skills like...
THE ABILITY TO SLEEP ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, THROUGH ANYTHING:
If that whole Cloverfield thing ever happened, I would probably just sleep through it. I didn't always used to be that way.
I have wonderful parents. I had awesome beds when I was growing up. When I was five years old, my parents bought me a canopy bed. You know, like what princesses have.
Fast forward 16 years. I was moving out to an apartment that was something like half a mile away from where I lived. I moved 90% of my stuff to the new apartment in one trip in my friend's minivan. Mattresses don't fit in minivans. I took my foam mattress topper, threw it on my tile floor, and slapped a sheet on it. Problem solved!
I walked into my new room, eating cereal out of the box, admiring my handiwork. I dropped some cinammon toast crunch on the floor- and all of a sudden, a million ants came out of a crack in the wall and swarmed it.
So I was sleeping on a thin piece of foam, barely an inch off the floor, in an apartment with an ant problem. Not only was I uncomfortable because I was on a piece of foam, I was terrified that the ants would crawl into my ears while I was sleeping, so I wore one of those winter hats with ear-flaps. It was May. I did not sleep great that night.Or the night after that.
But, I was broke. Having to buy a can of Raid was a huge blow to my budget that week- a mattress was not an option. After a few sleepless nights, I just got over it. I got accustomed to it- other people looked at my "bed" with horror, but after that first week, it didn't bother me at all. I even threw caution to the wind and slept without a hat on.
Over the next few years, I've had to crash on a few couches/futons. My friends always look at me with concern the morning after, asking "How did you sleep?" and I look at them like they're crazy. I slept on a piece of foam on a tile floor for more than half a year. To me, your futon is more comfortable than Brian Williams in a tailored suit.
TURNING ANYTHING INTO A MEAL:
Over the years, I've eaten some weird shit.
When I was 19, I convinced myself that a spoonful of peanut butter with some crushed red pepper mixed into a bowl of Spicy-Chili flavored Ramen noodles tasted exactly like pad thai. Maybe it did, and maybe it didn't... The only thing I know for sure was that the only things I had in my cabinet were ramen, random spices, and peanut butter.
You know how brilliant artists can see beauty in horrible, ugly things? Poor and hungry people can see the potential for a meal in any grocery.
Do you know how many different things you can do with eggs? You can turn them into omelettes, you can just hard boil them and throw them into salad, you can boil them with your ramen to make something like egg drop soup, you can use them to turn your 99 cent white bread into french toast, and SO MUCH MORE. Do you know how much mileage you can get with a $1 can of tuna or a $2 box of spaghetti? Buying meat is expensive, but did you know that you can combine mushrooms with a can of lentils and some breadcrumbs (which you can make out of your stale 99 cent white bread) to make a huge batch of things that taste like MEATBALLS?! BECAUSE YOU CAN!
When you're hungry and desperate, you learn so much about food. You can't afford to eat out, and you can't afford to buy a whole lot of different ingredients, so you find out how versatile things are. You get creative. Cheap spices and canned foods become your best friends. And ramen noodles.
Seriously, if anyone ever needs a ramen recipe, give me a call because in the past 4 years, I've come up with fucking thousands.
CHOOSING HAPPINESS/BEING COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL:
Being poor sucks. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
A "fun" night out is a nightmare. First of all, you have nothing to wear. Everything you own has holes in it/was bought several years ago. Second of all, you have to pay for food or drinks, you have to pay for transportation, and you have to spend time with your friends who aren't poor and pretend like the idea of paying $7 for a beer isn't fucking killing you on the inside.
This is where you'll need to become completely delusional. You can choose to stay in and convince yourself that eating 99 cent pudding while reading a Cosmo magazine you stole from somebody's recycling bin is a totally awesome way to spend an evening...
OR you go out and tell yourself that your disgusting outfit is totally chic (duhhh guys, grunge revival!) and that you look so good in it, people will be buying you drinks all night (and breakfast the next morning! HI-YOOOOOO!).
When that (for some reason) doesn't happen, you convince yourself that $7 isn't an outrageous amount of money for a Bud Light (even though that's like, 3 boxes of spaghetti!). You convince yourself that someday you'll become Oprah-rich, and your friends will know what it's like to be the poor friend. You convince yourself that you're having fun, and at some point, you actually forget how poor you are, and you start having fun!
And then you'll wake up the next morning with a sore throat. You'll want some soup, but there will be no way you can afford it. But that's ok. You're pretty sure you have some chicken flavored Ramen in the pantry... boil an egg in there, maybe throw some mushrooms in, and you've got yourself something BETTER than a can of Progresso. Being poor isn't so bad. And someday you'll be Oprah-rich and all of this will make you laugh.
Even if none of that is true, it will feel true, and it will help you survive another miserable day of broke-assness. No matter what your life is like, you're going to run into shitty times, and the ability to delude yourself into thinking things are ok will be useful.
DENIAL IS A SURVIVAL SKILL, PEOPLE! And poor people have got it by the pound!
Poor people live like they're in a post-apocalyptic world... They ration their food (most of which is non-perishable), they can make shelter anywhere, and they've got an endless capacity for hope.
Was this entire blog post just a really long way for me to outline why, if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would last longer than you?
Yes.
I decided to stock up on chicken noodle soup at the Stop & Shop near my house. I vividly remember thinking this: "HOLY SHIT! Soup is so expensive! I guess I'll just get one can, and hope the cold goes away by the time I need another one."
A can of soup is less than three dollars.
Yeah. I was really poor.
I once spent three weeks living off of a combination of spare change I found in my room and tip jar money (which was a dollar on a good night) because my bank account was overdrawn. And dammit, I made it work!
I wouldn't want to have to do it again, but I know that I could. When you're really poor, you pick up these weird survival skills. Survival skills like...
THE ABILITY TO SLEEP ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, THROUGH ANYTHING:
If that whole Cloverfield thing ever happened, I would probably just sleep through it. I didn't always used to be that way.
I have wonderful parents. I had awesome beds when I was growing up. When I was five years old, my parents bought me a canopy bed. You know, like what princesses have.
Fast forward 16 years. I was moving out to an apartment that was something like half a mile away from where I lived. I moved 90% of my stuff to the new apartment in one trip in my friend's minivan. Mattresses don't fit in minivans. I took my foam mattress topper, threw it on my tile floor, and slapped a sheet on it. Problem solved!
I walked into my new room, eating cereal out of the box, admiring my handiwork. I dropped some cinammon toast crunch on the floor- and all of a sudden, a million ants came out of a crack in the wall and swarmed it.
 | |||||||
| Hey Roomie! |
But, I was broke. Having to buy a can of Raid was a huge blow to my budget that week- a mattress was not an option. After a few sleepless nights, I just got over it. I got accustomed to it- other people looked at my "bed" with horror, but after that first week, it didn't bother me at all. I even threw caution to the wind and slept without a hat on.
Over the next few years, I've had to crash on a few couches/futons. My friends always look at me with concern the morning after, asking "How did you sleep?" and I look at them like they're crazy. I slept on a piece of foam on a tile floor for more than half a year. To me, your futon is more comfortable than Brian Williams in a tailored suit.
 | |||
| Dude looks comfortable. |
Over the years, I've eaten some weird shit.
When I was 19, I convinced myself that a spoonful of peanut butter with some crushed red pepper mixed into a bowl of Spicy-Chili flavored Ramen noodles tasted exactly like pad thai. Maybe it did, and maybe it didn't... The only thing I know for sure was that the only things I had in my cabinet were ramen, random spices, and peanut butter.
You know how brilliant artists can see beauty in horrible, ugly things? Poor and hungry people can see the potential for a meal in any grocery.
Do you know how many different things you can do with eggs? You can turn them into omelettes, you can just hard boil them and throw them into salad, you can boil them with your ramen to make something like egg drop soup, you can use them to turn your 99 cent white bread into french toast, and SO MUCH MORE. Do you know how much mileage you can get with a $1 can of tuna or a $2 box of spaghetti? Buying meat is expensive, but did you know that you can combine mushrooms with a can of lentils and some breadcrumbs (which you can make out of your stale 99 cent white bread) to make a huge batch of things that taste like MEATBALLS?! BECAUSE YOU CAN!
When you're hungry and desperate, you learn so much about food. You can't afford to eat out, and you can't afford to buy a whole lot of different ingredients, so you find out how versatile things are. You get creative. Cheap spices and canned foods become your best friends. And ramen noodles.
Seriously, if anyone ever needs a ramen recipe, give me a call because in the past 4 years, I've come up with fucking thousands.
CHOOSING HAPPINESS/BEING COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL:
Being poor sucks. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
A "fun" night out is a nightmare. First of all, you have nothing to wear. Everything you own has holes in it/was bought several years ago. Second of all, you have to pay for food or drinks, you have to pay for transportation, and you have to spend time with your friends who aren't poor and pretend like the idea of paying $7 for a beer isn't fucking killing you on the inside.
This is where you'll need to become completely delusional. You can choose to stay in and convince yourself that eating 99 cent pudding while reading a Cosmo magazine you stole from somebody's recycling bin is a totally awesome way to spend an evening...
 |
| You mean this song ISN'T about eating Snack Packs by yourself? |
When that (for some reason) doesn't happen, you convince yourself that $7 isn't an outrageous amount of money for a Bud Light (even though that's like, 3 boxes of spaghetti!). You convince yourself that someday you'll become Oprah-rich, and your friends will know what it's like to be the poor friend. You convince yourself that you're having fun, and at some point, you actually forget how poor you are, and you start having fun!
And then you'll wake up the next morning with a sore throat. You'll want some soup, but there will be no way you can afford it. But that's ok. You're pretty sure you have some chicken flavored Ramen in the pantry... boil an egg in there, maybe throw some mushrooms in, and you've got yourself something BETTER than a can of Progresso. Being poor isn't so bad. And someday you'll be Oprah-rich and all of this will make you laugh.
Even if none of that is true, it will feel true, and it will help you survive another miserable day of broke-assness. No matter what your life is like, you're going to run into shitty times, and the ability to delude yourself into thinking things are ok will be useful.
DENIAL IS A SURVIVAL SKILL, PEOPLE! And poor people have got it by the pound!
Poor people live like they're in a post-apocalyptic world... They ration their food (most of which is non-perishable), they can make shelter anywhere, and they've got an endless capacity for hope.
Was this entire blog post just a really long way for me to outline why, if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would last longer than you?
Yes.
 |
| Me, in the zombie apocalypse. Not Pictured: Your corpse. |
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