The death of my laptop was slow and
painful- in July 2011 its parts became mutinous, crippling it until
late December, when its little laptop heart couldn't take the strain
anymore and stopped beating (I don't understand how laptops work). I
spent the next 8 months with incredibly limited computer access. I'd
like to share some of the experiences I had in that time in a new weekly
segment I'm calling "GOING 'TOPLESS". Because lapTOP?? And I didn't have one?? Ehhh???? You're not funny either.
This is something weird that happened to me several months ago, when I didn't have a laptop. I remember really wanting to tell everyone this story and being annoyed that I couldn't write about it. I'm really writing this more for me than you.
Last year, I was living in a beautiful, safe neighborhood, paying an incredibly low rent (how low was it? I was barely working full time/barely making minimum wage, and I could still afford to pay rent and eat stuff every day). This was a neighborhood for raising families. I never had to worry about crackheads at the laundromat. It was also in the middle of nowhere- going anywhere was an enormous hassle. I don't miss living there at all.
Besides, the crackhead in my laundromat story wasn't the problem... the problem was that I saw the crackhead going into the laundromat and didn't even consider not going in after him. I always end up in totally bizarre, totally AVOIDABLE situations. Like this one:
I lived on the top floor of a 3 story apartment building. I didn't know anyone who lived in any of the other apartments, and that was just fine with me- they were families. I wasn't actively trying to befriend middle aged adults or their teenage kids. I was perfectly content with awkwardly smiling and waving when we passed each other entering and exiting the building.
I woke up one morning, opened my fridge, and realized virtually nothing in it was mine (this is something that used to happen to me a lot). I opened the door to go to the grocery store, and was startled to see a cat just lying there, in the hallway, directly in front of my door. I figured it belonged to the people who lived under me- sometimes I noticed a cat sitting in their window.
It didn't move. I awkwardly stepped over it and went on my merry way.
I got back to my apartment something like a half hour later, and the cat was no longer in the hallway. I figured the people on the second floor probably let it back in.
I poured myself a huge bowl of honey nut scooters (which are like honey nut cheerios, but for poor people) and vaguely wondered what I would do for the next few hours before I had to go to work. I didn't really have any plans... BUT FATE DID.
I was enjoying my cereal when I heard this insane noise from the second floor. Somebody was simultaneously sobbing and howling. Imagine the noise a wolf would make if he just found out his wolf wife was sleeping with his wolf best friend and that his wolf son had wolf cancer... This is the level of despair I was hearing.
"YOUUUUUUU..." the person howling shouted, in between sobs. "YOOOOOUUU.... YOU LOST MY FUCKING CAT!!!"
Oh shit. I thought. This is sort of my fault. I knew it was their cat. Maybe I should have just knocked on their door and told them it was in the hallway. I mean, why didn't I just do that?? I've never once seen this cat outside before. Holy shit, this cat has probably never been outside before. Oh my god. Oh my god, I definitely should have let them know. What do I do now? Nothing. I definitely do nothing... I'm just going to stay here and wait for this thing to blow over.
The howling continued, "YOOOOOOOOUUUUU FUCKING BIIIIITCH!!!! YOOOOU LOST MY FUUUUCKIIIING CAAAAAAT!!!! AOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!"
Now wait a minute... I thought. This cat has probably not gone very far. Maybe if they stopped yelling and actually went looking for it, it would be back inside.
"WHAT THE FUCK??? YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"
I can't listen to this. I bet that cat's in the driveway. I'm ending this right now. I headed outside, and looked around the front of the apartment. Nothing. I thought about giving up, but could hear the howling from outside. I figured I'd take a lap around the block and see if I could find it.
I didn't find it. When I got back to my street, I saw a small, middle-aged Korean woman. I could tell from the pained look in her eyes that she was the "FUCKING BIIIIITCH" who lost the "FUUUCKIIIING CAAAAAAT".
Ok, Adrienne. Be cool. Just go back inside. Your work here is done. I walked up to the door. "Heeeeey!" I said, trying to sound casual and like I didn't know that this woman had just been screamed at for a half hour. I reached into my bag to get my keys. "Hi!" she said, her voice shaking with desperation, "Have you noticed a big brown cat anywhere around here?"
I should have said no. But you have to understand- this woman was looking at me like she'd been siting there hungry enough to eat her own arm and I just strolled by carrying a plate of cupcakes."Please" her eyes said. "Help me!"
"Ummm, maybe?" I said, which, in retrospect, was the world's worst answer. "I mean, I saw a cat not too long ago in the hallway... but uh, I thought it looked more gray than brown soooo.... maybe it was a different cat..."
Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. "You saw a cat in the hallway?! Courtney!! COURTNEY!!!" she shouted.
Suddenly, this tiny 14 year old Korean girl came barreling towards me. It was immediately clear to me that this tiny person had been howling obscenities at her mom for the past half hour or so.
"Courtney! This girl might have seen your cat!"
She turned to me, looking hysterical with worry, tears streaming down her face. "You saw Homeslice????!"
"Umm... maybe... I definitely saw a cat, but ummm..."
"Did she have a beauty mark on her nose???!"
"Um... what? I uh, don't know... Maybe? Ummm.." I inched toward the door.
"WAIT! I have a picture!" she whipped out her iPhone. The cat was her background picture. "Did it look like this?'
"Ummm, I can't really tell..." the picture was in sepia.
"How about this picture?" Yes. She did have an entire album of cat pictures. And ALL OF THEM were in sepia. I finally couldn't take anymore.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the cat I saw. I'm sure it's not too far away. Did you try leaving out a can of cat food for it?"
The girl's mother jumped. "I'll go get some!"
She ran up the stairs. Courtney turned to me "Will you help me find Homeslice?"
Now, on the one hand, this girl was a monster. Who yells at their mom, or ANY HUMAN BEING like that? But, on the other hand, she was just a kid who lost her cat that she obviously adored (to an insane extent). Also, if i just knocked on their door and told them their cat was in the hallway, none of this would have ever happened. This was a fact I was hoping she would overlook, because I honestly don't know if I could mentally withstand being howled at for a half hour.
So I looked. And looked. And looked some more. I leaned over bushes. I peeked behind fences. I trespassed on the property of strangers. Nothing.
I came back something like an hour later. Courtney's mom was standing outside. Courtney had recruited a bunch of her equally obnoxious friends to help her look. I figured my work there was done, and anyway, I had to get ready for work. Courtney's mom asked me if I'd seen Homeslice at all. "Nope. Maybe you should hang up signs or something with the cat's picture?"
"Yeah! I'll go do that!" again, she ran up the stairs. By the time I got to my door, I heard her car speeding away.
When I walked home from work several hours later, I noticed there were no "Missing Cat" signs hanging up anywhere. Either they'd found Homeslice or Courtney's mom had skipped town. I was hoping both of those things were true.
My question was answered when I got to the door of my apartment. There was a sign on it: "Dear Animal Lover, Please keep door closed so cat cant get out. Thanks! :)"
I'd like to make something clear- this wasn't on the door of the apartment building. This was on the door to my apartment. I looked for that darned cat for over an hour, and they still blamed me!
Not once, in the next 5 months after that when I lived there did I speak to Courtney again. I did run into her mom while I was moving out. She looked at me. "Oh... You're leaving?"
"Yep. I'm moving out."
"Oh... Well... Take care." she said, barely looking at me. She opened her mouth, looking like she was about to say something. Then she ran up the stairs.
I don't miss living in a residential neighborhood.
This is something weird that happened to me several months ago, when I didn't have a laptop. I remember really wanting to tell everyone this story and being annoyed that I couldn't write about it. I'm really writing this more for me than you.
Last year, I was living in a beautiful, safe neighborhood, paying an incredibly low rent (how low was it? I was barely working full time/barely making minimum wage, and I could still afford to pay rent and eat stuff every day). This was a neighborhood for raising families. I never had to worry about crackheads at the laundromat. It was also in the middle of nowhere- going anywhere was an enormous hassle. I don't miss living there at all.
Besides, the crackhead in my laundromat story wasn't the problem... the problem was that I saw the crackhead going into the laundromat and didn't even consider not going in after him. I always end up in totally bizarre, totally AVOIDABLE situations. Like this one:
I lived on the top floor of a 3 story apartment building. I didn't know anyone who lived in any of the other apartments, and that was just fine with me- they were families. I wasn't actively trying to befriend middle aged adults or their teenage kids. I was perfectly content with awkwardly smiling and waving when we passed each other entering and exiting the building.
I woke up one morning, opened my fridge, and realized virtually nothing in it was mine (this is something that used to happen to me a lot). I opened the door to go to the grocery store, and was startled to see a cat just lying there, in the hallway, directly in front of my door. I figured it belonged to the people who lived under me- sometimes I noticed a cat sitting in their window.
It didn't move. I awkwardly stepped over it and went on my merry way.
I got back to my apartment something like a half hour later, and the cat was no longer in the hallway. I figured the people on the second floor probably let it back in.
I poured myself a huge bowl of honey nut scooters (which are like honey nut cheerios, but for poor people) and vaguely wondered what I would do for the next few hours before I had to go to work. I didn't really have any plans... BUT FATE DID.
 | ||
| Did you guys just get chills?! |
"YOUUUUUUU..." the person howling shouted, in between sobs. "YOOOOOUUU.... YOU LOST MY FUCKING CAT!!!"
Oh shit. I thought. This is sort of my fault. I knew it was their cat. Maybe I should have just knocked on their door and told them it was in the hallway. I mean, why didn't I just do that?? I've never once seen this cat outside before. Holy shit, this cat has probably never been outside before. Oh my god. Oh my god, I definitely should have let them know. What do I do now? Nothing. I definitely do nothing... I'm just going to stay here and wait for this thing to blow over.
The howling continued, "YOOOOOOOOUUUUU FUCKING BIIIIITCH!!!! YOOOOU LOST MY FUUUUCKIIIING CAAAAAAT!!!! AOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!"
Now wait a minute... I thought. This cat has probably not gone very far. Maybe if they stopped yelling and actually went looking for it, it would be back inside.
"WHAT THE FUCK??? YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"
I can't listen to this. I bet that cat's in the driveway. I'm ending this right now. I headed outside, and looked around the front of the apartment. Nothing. I thought about giving up, but could hear the howling from outside. I figured I'd take a lap around the block and see if I could find it.
I didn't find it. When I got back to my street, I saw a small, middle-aged Korean woman. I could tell from the pained look in her eyes that she was the "FUCKING BIIIIITCH" who lost the "FUUUCKIIIING CAAAAAAT".
Ok, Adrienne. Be cool. Just go back inside. Your work here is done. I walked up to the door. "Heeeeey!" I said, trying to sound casual and like I didn't know that this woman had just been screamed at for a half hour. I reached into my bag to get my keys. "Hi!" she said, her voice shaking with desperation, "Have you noticed a big brown cat anywhere around here?"
I should have said no. But you have to understand- this woman was looking at me like she'd been siting there hungry enough to eat her own arm and I just strolled by carrying a plate of cupcakes."Please" her eyes said. "Help me!"
"Ummm, maybe?" I said, which, in retrospect, was the world's worst answer. "I mean, I saw a cat not too long ago in the hallway... but uh, I thought it looked more gray than brown soooo.... maybe it was a different cat..."
Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. "You saw a cat in the hallway?! Courtney!! COURTNEY!!!" she shouted.
Suddenly, this tiny 14 year old Korean girl came barreling towards me. It was immediately clear to me that this tiny person had been howling obscenities at her mom for the past half hour or so.
"Courtney! This girl might have seen your cat!"
She turned to me, looking hysterical with worry, tears streaming down her face. "You saw Homeslice????!"
"Umm... maybe... I definitely saw a cat, but ummm..."
"Did she have a beauty mark on her nose???!"
"Um... what? I uh, don't know... Maybe? Ummm.." I inched toward the door.
"WAIT! I have a picture!" she whipped out her iPhone. The cat was her background picture. "Did it look like this?'
"Ummm, I can't really tell..." the picture was in sepia.
"How about this picture?" Yes. She did have an entire album of cat pictures. And ALL OF THEM were in sepia. I finally couldn't take anymore.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the cat I saw. I'm sure it's not too far away. Did you try leaving out a can of cat food for it?"
The girl's mother jumped. "I'll go get some!"
She ran up the stairs. Courtney turned to me "Will you help me find Homeslice?"
Now, on the one hand, this girl was a monster. Who yells at their mom, or ANY HUMAN BEING like that? But, on the other hand, she was just a kid who lost her cat that she obviously adored (to an insane extent). Also, if i just knocked on their door and told them their cat was in the hallway, none of this would have ever happened. This was a fact I was hoping she would overlook, because I honestly don't know if I could mentally withstand being howled at for a half hour.
So I looked. And looked. And looked some more. I leaned over bushes. I peeked behind fences. I trespassed on the property of strangers. Nothing.
I came back something like an hour later. Courtney's mom was standing outside. Courtney had recruited a bunch of her equally obnoxious friends to help her look. I figured my work there was done, and anyway, I had to get ready for work. Courtney's mom asked me if I'd seen Homeslice at all. "Nope. Maybe you should hang up signs or something with the cat's picture?"
"Yeah! I'll go do that!" again, she ran up the stairs. By the time I got to my door, I heard her car speeding away.
When I walked home from work several hours later, I noticed there were no "Missing Cat" signs hanging up anywhere. Either they'd found Homeslice or Courtney's mom had skipped town. I was hoping both of those things were true.
My question was answered when I got to the door of my apartment. There was a sign on it: "Dear Animal Lover, Please keep door closed so cat cant get out. Thanks! :)"
I'd like to make something clear- this wasn't on the door of the apartment building. This was on the door to my apartment. I looked for that darned cat for over an hour, and they still blamed me!
Not once, in the next 5 months after that when I lived there did I speak to Courtney again. I did run into her mom while I was moving out. She looked at me. "Oh... You're leaving?"
"Yep. I'm moving out."
"Oh... Well... Take care." she said, barely looking at me. She opened her mouth, looking like she was about to say something. Then she ran up the stairs.
I don't miss living in a residential neighborhood.
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