Sometimes I worry that underemployment is making me stupid (if you're a potential employer and you've stumbled on this blog post, let me assure you that I'm just yanking your chain for comedic effect! My mind is, as always, razor sharp!)
WHAT??? SHE'S NOT EVEN THAT FAT!! AT LEAST SHE'S WEARING A DRESS AND NOT THOSE ASSLESS CHAPS SHE WORE THAT TIME! SHE LOOKS FINE! I BET A DUDE WROTE THIS! (scrolled to the top to see who wrote it) A-HA! A DUDE! I KNEW IT!!! YOU KNOW WHAT, I BET IF HE MET CHRISTINA AGUILERA DRESSED EXACTLY LIKE THAT AND SHE SAID "LET'S DO THIS RIGHT NOW" HE TOTALLY WOULD!! I BET HE'S BANGED FATTER CHICKS! I HOPE HE GOES THROUGH LIFE GETTING WITH EXCLUSIVELY FAT GIRLS!
I SHOULD COMMENT ON THIS ARTICLE AND TELL THIS GUY THAT I HOPE HE ONLY HAS SEX WITH MORBIDLY OBESE WOMEN FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!!! I TOTALLY SHOULD!! I WILL!!!!
...I didn't. About 2 seconds later, I realized that I was having an insane (and bizarrely sexist) overreaction. Why did I care? I don't even really like Christina Aguilera, but somehow this article almost made me become the kind of person who writes emotional comments about internet nonsense. That is the worst kind of person.
How did this happen?
This is how I spend my time online when I'm not job hunting...
This chart doesn't account for EVERYTHING I do, just the majority of how I spend my time. I mean, maybe a few times a day I read an actual news article (usually because I think something like "OH SHIT! A hurricane is happening!!" or "Who is Paul Ryan?? OH SHIT!"). I spend waaay more time reading Cracked.com, which is a vortex of hilarious/awesome/entirely useless information (Sample articles include: 7 Celebrity Animals: Where Are They Now?, The 7 Most Badass Man vs. Beast Showdowns, and 19 Unintentionally Terrifying Children's Album Covers).
As I mentioned before, I love celebrity slideshows. There is no reason for a 90 picture long slideshow titled "Jennifer Aniston Hair Evolution" to exist. I know this. What I don't know is why I clicked on every single picture, and then proceeded to start another slideshow about Michelle Obama's outfits (that counts as political news, right?). The internet is a collection of every piece of information that has ever existed, and I'm spending my time looking at Jennifer Aniston's frumpy bangs. My brain could be eating a steak dinner every night, but I'm feeding it devil dogs.
I spend the rest of my time on Facebook stalking my friends, and on Twitter stalking people (Ludacris) I wish were my friends. I download music, and then I have to spend a couple minutes on RapGenius to figure out what it means. I watch silly videos for stupid amounts of time- last night, I watched Jake and Amir until my eyes hurt (EVERYONE WATCH THIS ONE and then all the other ones). This is why I care about Christina Aguilera.
Right now, my mind is full of nonsense. I couldn't clearly explain to you what's going on in Syria, but I could give you a detailed outline of every haircut Jennifer Aniston has had ever (dark brown hair? So sultry! Classic bob? Adorbs!). I've spent so much time looking at stupid shit that my brain assumes it's important. STUPID SHIT HAS BECOME ALL I KNOW. Of course I'm going to get worked up over particularly stupid shit (Christina Aguilera being fat-ish), because STUPID SHIT HAS BECOME MY ENTIRE WORLD.
So what do I do? Should I use a website like CNN.com as a mental Fiber-One bar, helping my brain to shit out the nonsense by replacing it with something satisfying and nutritious? Probably. And I'll totally do that.
..after I read about why Batman is better than Superman. And figure out what the hell ASAP Dash means when he says "think the ho's Matlock". And then maybe see what Jake and Amir have been up to. And OH MY GOD JEN'S FINALLY GETTING MARRIED? HOW DOES HER HAIR FEEL ABOUT JUSTIN THEROUX??? I JUST HOPE SHE'S HAPPY!! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ANGIE!!!! OR AT LEAST A BURGER YOU SKINNY BITCH!!!!
It might be too late for me.
As I mentioned before, I love celebrity slideshows. There is no reason for a 90 picture long slideshow titled "Jennifer Aniston Hair Evolution" to exist. I know this. What I don't know is why I clicked on every single picture, and then proceeded to start another slideshow about Michelle Obama's outfits (that counts as political news, right?). The internet is a collection of every piece of information that has ever existed, and I'm spending my time looking at Jennifer Aniston's frumpy bangs. My brain could be eating a steak dinner every night, but I'm feeding it devil dogs.
I spend the rest of my time on Facebook stalking my friends, and on Twitter stalking people (Ludacris) I wish were my friends. I download music, and then I have to spend a couple minutes on RapGenius to figure out what it means. I watch silly videos for stupid amounts of time- last night, I watched Jake and Amir until my eyes hurt (EVERYONE WATCH THIS ONE and then all the other ones). This is why I care about Christina Aguilera.
Right now, my mind is full of nonsense. I couldn't clearly explain to you what's going on in Syria, but I could give you a detailed outline of every haircut Jennifer Aniston has had ever (dark brown hair? So sultry! Classic bob? Adorbs!). I've spent so much time looking at stupid shit that my brain assumes it's important. STUPID SHIT HAS BECOME ALL I KNOW. Of course I'm going to get worked up over particularly stupid shit (Christina Aguilera being fat-ish), because STUPID SHIT HAS BECOME MY ENTIRE WORLD.
So what do I do? Should I use a website like CNN.com as a mental Fiber-One bar, helping my brain to shit out the nonsense by replacing it with something satisfying and nutritious? Probably. And I'll totally do that.
..after I read about why Batman is better than Superman. And figure out what the hell ASAP Dash means when he says "think the ho's Matlock". And then maybe see what Jake and Amir have been up to. And OH MY GOD JEN'S FINALLY GETTING MARRIED? HOW DOES HER HAIR FEEL ABOUT JUSTIN THEROUX??? I JUST HOPE SHE'S HAPPY!! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ANGIE!!!! OR AT LEAST A BURGER YOU SKINNY BITCH!!!!
It might be too late for me.
